I'm not sure what to write, but I want to write.
I want love. I want someone. But I don't know if I just want the idea of it or if I actually want it. I still struggle to find fulfillment in life, but I'm so much more stable. Is it wrong to seek fulfillment in life with a relationship? I fear that I'm so overcautious of doing something unhealthy or codependent that I paralyze myself.
My therapist talks about needing something to keep you around. For some people it's work, others it's children, hobbies, etc. Why not love? There is nothing more fulfilling to me than love, but how do I find the balance? . A connection with another person. It's okay to want it, but when is it okay to actually act on it? To seek it out?
I wish I had someone to love now. The potential to love that's inside of me is so great. I feel like I just need someone to unlock it. Where is she? Will I even act when I come across her? Or will I hold myself back, scared of the future? Scared of if it's right or not? Scared of if it's healthy or not? How will I know? How can I possibly know?
I don't want to sit at this coffee shop alone. I don't want to go home to an empty house. I want to be with someone, but is that rooted in a normal desire or codependency? Do I want this person to fill a hole in me or do I want them to enhance my life? Do I feel like I need someone? Honestly, no I don't think I do. I just want someone so fucking bad. I think the difference is important is it not?
I fear that my hyperawareness to not become codependent will hold me back. Once I find someone I want to move forward with, will I become so worried on becoming intertwined that I'll hold back? I know the balance is key, but it's clear from the relationships in my life that I don't really know how to keep that balance. Or will I will I be so happy once I've finally found someone that I'll swing back to my normal side and become too enmeshed.
I hope I have the courage to ask her out Sunday. Even if she says no, even if she already has someone, the constant wondering and push and pull inside of me is eating me alive. I just need the in to do it so it isn't more or less a cold call. God she's captivating.
Oddly enough, I don't think I'm overthinking this. Overthinking for me is synonymous with spiraling, but I'm very calm writing on this. I'm not striving for perfection. I'm not spiraling. I'm not trying to control. I'm just trying to understand. I'm trying to challenge my long standing unhealthy habits. I'm trying to make sure that I don't fall into the same traps as before. So I feel like I need to ask these things. How am I supposed to make the healthy choices if I don't even know what they look like?
She just walked into the coffee shop?? She doesn't work evenings on Fridays and certainly not starting at 7?? Why is she here oh my god I just looked up and she was walking right by me????????
Her laugh makes my heart leap.
And now there's live music today randomly? Maybe she is here for that? I have no clue what's going on but I'm fucking here for it.
Oh my god that's is that what it is? Because Sarah the other barista just walked in and over to Her. I need to know what's happeninggggggg.
She's chatting with a lady who seems much older than her.
God is this what a crush feels like? I can't help but laugh at myself. How interesting.
Okay no it's just some coworker hangout or something.
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