Alright let's figure this out.
Last night was wild. I'm sad Cortney wasn't there. I'm sad I was "incapable" of bringing the girl home. I'm proud of myself for going. I'm proud of myself for living. I'm proud of myself for staying when I got sad.
Last night was a night I can tell stories about. I lived and had so many emotions. Good and bad. As fun as it was and as fun as she was, I don't care about her. There was no emotional connection so everything physical just felt dull. Sure it was fun and exciting but what was the point without the connection? Maybe I'm not meant to have fun in that sense. Just like apps don't work for me because of the lack of connection, just meeting someone in a club and progressing that way feels so lackluster. There was excitement as we progressed, but it was so different than what I've been used to my entire life. What I've been conditioned too. I can't figure out if I "just" need to reframe my mind or if this kind of stuff isn't for me. It's this constant push and pull of what I think I want vs what I think I can do vs what I actually want in the moment. I'm just very unsure. But I am sure that going last night was the right thing to do. Healthy or not, the "objectively" right thing to do or not, in my eyes it was the right thing for me to do for exploration and just fucking living life. I have a story, I had a wild night, I tried so many new things but I was safe and responsible. I did want I wanted and not what I felt I should do.
In some ways it feels like I regressed last night, but I really think it's just a combination of so many emotions that are all swirling inside of me. I got home that night and cleaned up and journaled for a bit at 6:30 AM. I woke up today and made myself breakfast and got ready and went to coffee and worked for a few hours and then went to Cass' and chatted about the night and life and still had a good day. I still took care of myself. I didn't let the whirlwind of emotions from last night take me down. I think I'm still just processing and working through everything, but I'm also keeping myself together still which I'm really proud of. I mean who the fuck journals really quick at 6:30 AM after closing 2 clubs down? Someone who should be proud of how far they've come that's fucking who.