I should journal, but I don't know what to talk about right now.
Cass just sent me a giant text and opened up for the first time, which was cool. I don't know how to respond without typing out another novel or taking a million memos. Maybe I'll just "respond" in this entry and send it to her? Even if I don't, I think it's still worth writing about.
She talked about how she hurt her back really bad at the gym to the point it was completely debilitating. No one was able to cover her shift so she had to go in to work. She says she never asks for help. "Ever". She asks to leave early from work, her boss says no, and then a bit later she basically double middle fingers and says she's leaving because it was that bad. She specifically mentions telling herself that she does not have to "earn rest to deserve it". What a relatable and powerful statement.
She beat herself up on the way home. For asking, for needing help, for even going in the first place. She didn't feel like the care she puts into her job was reciprocated back to her when she really needed help. And from the sounds of it, she must have really needed it if she asked for it.
In the end she said that she didn't mean to ramble as much as she did, but this was supposed to be an attempt to not be her typical self of completely shutting down and not letting anyone know whats going on. Just like I did to her last week, I think it can be easier in a way to open up to a stranger. They have no real bias, no real understanding about who you are or what you're really dealing with. They have no predisposition to judge you like you judge yourself or those that already know you. They're a clean slate and regardless of who you were, they just see you as you are. They're a fresh start and that's freeing in a way.
Anyways, where to start psychoanalyzing all of this lol?
I shouldn't psychoanalyze though. I always do. I always search for a deeper meaning in everything, and while there surely are deeper meanings to everything she told me, it isn't my place to assume or make up stories in my mind. Instead, I'll take it for face value.
Regardless of what it is or why it is, if it's difficult and you do it then it's something to be proud of. No matter how small or silly or stupid it feels, the harder it is then the more proud you should be if you do it. I don't care if it's asking for time off when you're injured, revealing something you feel shame over but do it anyways, going out to eat alone, trying something new, etc. It doesn't matter what it is. Did your entire being fight the idea regardless of why? Yes? Then be proud. Life is rarely just about what is in front of you in the moment. There's a reason she never asks for help. It's a core part of her story, her life, her experiences.
I have worked so hard to cultivate this mindset with myself. So incredibly hard. It doesn't matter how big or small something is. If you did it, be proud. But the bigger it is, the more you don't want to do it, the more proud you should be. You cannot obsess over the fact you shouldn't feel that way or you should be able to just ask for help or ask for time off or do this or do that. The subject does. not. matter. The only thing that matters is the action and the challenge you overcame.
"I push myself towards these adjectives and nouns so furiously I leave no room to even put a name to what/who I actually am"
To me, this sounds ummmm. What's the word? Is she moving towards something or running from something? There is a very big distinction. It sounds like she's barreling forward without even the chance to catch her breath. It sounds more like running to me than a deliberate and conscious decision rooted in healthiness. It reminds me of the concept of motivation vs discipline. Motivation is a trap. It's a fleeting feeling that comes and goes. Discipline is the key to success in anything you want to do in life. Disciplined people act even when they don't want to. Motivated people are inconsistent. You use the feeling as fuel and eventually that fuel will run out and you won't have any gas left in the tank. People that run are the same as people who are motivated. They're letting something else dictate their life. They think they can still get to the goal, but they chose the wrong path from the get go. They're fueled by something they can't control. My dad ran his entire life and in the end he ended up just as fucked up as his did but in a different way. I'm not running anymore, I'm moving towards something. I'm moving towards healthiness for me. What he does doesn't matter anymore. I want this for me. Not to spite him, not to be better than him, not for any of those feelings that rile me up. I am calm. I am making a conscious, self interested decision. I know what I am, I know what I'm not, I know what I want, I know why I'm this way, I know what the goal is. The past is difficult, but I am not running from it anymore. I am not running from myself anymore. You must be brutally honest about who you are before you can conquer what eats you alive in life, even if the words taste like poison on the tip of your tongue.
There's more I could say, but I like to remind myself of this to help challenge my own beliefs:
I come from a deeply unhealthy place. How I think, how I act, everything about me is a reflection of that. The lens in which I view the world has always been tainted. If I'm miserable and I know for a fact that so many of the ways that I think are incorrect because of how I was raised, wouldn't it make sense to challenge everything that feels natural to me? And if I feel stupid because I struggle with things that I "shouldn't", who cares? I didn't make myself that way. That was put in me by someone who couldn't handle their own life. I shouldn't be mad at myself when I feel that way, I should be mad at them. That's them, not me. I mean what do I have to lose? I'm already miserable. Why wouldn't I take that risk? Why wouldn't I reach out to a stranger to talk about life over coffee even though I would have never normally done it?
There's this saying that I can't remember exactly, but it has always resonated with me and it goes something like this: "If you're suicidal, if you want to end it all, if you're truly at that point, then instead of killing yourself kill who you've always been. Kill your beliefs, kill your biases, kill everything except yourself. Become someone new. Transform. Become unrecognizable."