Dear Cortney,
I don't know if you'll ever read this, but it gives me solace to write to you as if you will.
I left you yesterday. It was a feeling I couldn't shake for weeks. There is so much to say that I don't know where to begin.
I feel that I was placed on this Earth to suffer. It seems that no matter what choices I make misery always follows. I don't know why I think the things that I do. I wish more than anything I didn't, but I am my own worst enemy.
How do you know when you've found the right person for you? I don't believe in soulmates. I believe there are hundreds or thousands of people out there in the world that would be just a good a fit as anyone else for each person. But how do you know when you've found them? What if you found one but didn't know it because you've never known life without them? How can you be sure? How can you ease that voice in your mind? The only way that I believe I can be confident in my choices is if I experience what life has to offer.
I believe you are one of those people. I just simply cannot quell the voice in my head.
What is it like to live completely for yourself? What is it like to live on your own? What is it like to go on terrible dates? What is it like to fall in love with someone else? What is it like to tear yourself down to your very foundation so you can pull away the rot and build yourself back up?
I have judged Sarah and Pennelope all of their lives for their dating habits. Terrible people back to back, but I think I understand it now. I have always judged them for their inability to be alone. I would sit in my room for days at a time alone and look down on them. But I realized now that I wasn't ever truly alone. I always had you. The loneliness I feel now is unspeakable. I met you when I was 16. I'm 24 now. That's 8 years. Eight years of our lives together. I was a child when we met and now I'm a man. It's hard to imagine ever knowing someone else on the level that I knew you. I never had to figure anything out on my own. I always had you at my back keeping me propped up and now I feel myself falling backwards into the abyss.
If there is one truth in this world it is that life is not worth living without love. Love for family. Love for another. The most joyous moments of my life I have shared with you and it is because of you that they were such. The thought of living alone and having no one to share those moments with makes me feel so hollow inside. What is the point of life without love?