Dear Diary,
I don't even know where to start. I grew up doing this on actual physical pages and it used to come so easy. Now, I guess life happened and its all just too much to focus on anymore.
It really all started almost 4 years ago when my family experienced an unspeakable tragedy. It quite literally destroyed us on a lot of levels. My heart aches daily for the loss that we had and it has forever changed me - and my entire family for that matter. I see the effects that it has had on each of my siblings, my nieces and nephews and while there has been beauty from the ashes, I can't help but see the havoc that it caused. I wish I could say changed for the better, but I've found that it has me reeling nearly constantly about the what ifs and worse case scenarios of life. I've always been a worrier, but it is now magnified. Add in to that covid, virtual learning, a child that was old enough to somewhat comprehend the tragedy and how she has had to deal with it and watching my heart break, a parent (who has been my child's best friend from day 1) that had a health emergency that was completely unexpected and life changing for us as well, having to put down both of our pets that we'd had for nearly 15 years within 18 months of each other and a child that struggles in school. Its been a lot. I realized the other day, that I spend so much of my days being angry and annoyed. I've lost my joy. I've tucked away the laughter and the happy in the back closet of my soul. Its been replaced with worry, fear and frustration. I don't know where I went and I don't know how to find me again. It seems the day to day in dealing with life responsibilities and the stress and worry of the last 4 years has consumed me. I didn't really notice until I was watching something just a few days ago and it referenced joy. And I realized that its been so long since I felt that. I talked to a professional for a time and while it was nice to get out some of these things, I didn't really feel like it was helping. It didn't make me feel like I was learning to deal with it - it just felt like I was talking to a friend. I've read so many self help and improvement books over the years and how everything is a decision and just take the next step. I don't know how to DECIDE to let go of my heartbreak, the pain, the worry. And I don't really know what the next step is.