Dear Diary,
I assume you're going to sleep now but after our talk I feel horrible. I didn't know how I made you feel and several things you mentioned I guess I forogt about but they seemed to stick with you even this far ahead in time.
I'm sorry I was your first experience, I knew I had my issues but I didn't realize they were to this degree.
I'm sorry for what I said when you cried, I promise it wasn't that I didn't care or because I wanted to win an arguement. If I'm honest I came into our relationship with no clue of what it'd take to be a good boyfriend over long distance, I didn't know how to be a shoulder to cry on, how to handle emotions, and although I wasn't the victim I was helpless in those situations. I cracked under the pressure in those moments, I was scared of emotions because I didn't know what to do when they came up. Once you called me a coward, and although I'll still say I wasn't afraid to defend you, I was still afraid of situations I'd have to face the responsiblilty of comforting you and in the back of my mind I agreed I was a coward for that. Its not that I didn't want to, all I ever wanted to be was your world, your shoulder, your rock, I wanted you to come to me with your issues instead of your friends and I hated that you went to them before me but I always understood why. I spoke out against it several times but eventually I had to accept that they could be there in ways for you that I never could from where I was. I also understand that I can't simply blame it on the long distance, the fact that ethan and anh could be there for you during your hardships shows that they had something I didn't, or knew something I didn't and I'm glad they're there for you. Speaking of those friends, I hope you can reconnect with him if you haven't already, I have my opinions on what he's done but no matter how much I hate him he's always been such a good listener, supporter and overall good friend. If I'm being honest that added on to why I said I hated him, he was another person in your life that could do something for you that I couldn't and I was jealous you went to him or spent time with him instead of me even if I understood why.
As for your religion I'm sorry I didn't respect it, honestly I hated the one I was brought up into, the idea of religion and I projected that onto yours. I think we've both matured over this relationship in different ways even if we still have issues but even to this day I don't know if I'd still go to the temple. It's not meant to disrespect your religion, or even if because I believed in one at the time but I think a couple from 2 different beliefs have to respect each others and although I'd be able to respect yours and support you in it, I'd be breaking my own beliefs whether it be my own religion or the fact that I believe there are none that are real. Dating isn’t about changing your partner to make them fit with you, and it isn’t about reinventing yourself so that you fit with them. After understanding that we'd have to determine whether we can resolve that difference or not, and if the relationship is worth it. If me not wanting to be involved in your religion that is okay, its not a lack of devotion or disrespect towards it but if it was a deal breaker for you then it simply would be and thats okay too. You said " i oversaw it as different personalities when in reality you were too stubborn to accept so much of who i am", no Van i love who you are and its not just personality differences, its belief differences, moral differences, the fact that I'd be uncomfortable in a setting I don't belong in, if I was a christian and asked you to come to church with me or something and you said yes, cool but if you said no then that'd be perfectly fine regardless of the reason. We are supposed to accept eachother for who we are instead of forcing eachother into something like that. So in the future, please be a little more sensitive on that topic with whoever you decide to be with, I think you were so passionate about your religion it showed tonight that you still wouldn't really respect my choices and instead take it as a lack of devotion or disrespect. If they don't mind going then great but you gotta be fair to them as well or figure out early on like you did with me whether they'd go or not and decide whether its a deal breaker. I adored you for who you were but people have fundamental differences and can't be expected to comply with every single thing you're compassionate about. There aren't many things I've said no to you about, even if it made me quite uncomfortable, the temple thing just happened to be one of the ones that was too far.
I'm sorry about the sleeping thing, I honestly don't even have an explanation, I don't know what I was going through and I swear it wasn't a laziness thing. Laying in bed for hours trying to sleep drove me insane and it left my mind open to everything I didn't want to think about which made it that much worse. I even tried staying up all day so I could sleep at night countless times and it worked for the next night so I could finally sleep but the night after that I had the same issues. I remember you mentioned that I was able to stay on a schedule when I had a job and yeah I could but it was so different when I had a job and anyone who's worked a labor job could tell you "if you can't sleep then you ain't workin hard enough". Its a very common saying and its because when you work a labor job it completely kills your energy to do anything else, it uses up all your energy so its not there to keep you awake at night. I'm sorry I couldn't stay on a schedule for you, I swear I tried and for months I put myself through a painful schedule to try and be awake for you during the hours you were awake after school but van theres only so much I can take. I tried so hard for this sleeping thing to work and I don't know what was so fucking wrong with me that I couldn't do it.
The job thing was a complicated situation, its not that I didn't want one or need one because I did and never said that I didn't. It had been only 7 months after graduation when we broke up and I felt this immense pressure to jumpstart my life and it was fine at first, I was hyped up about it because it meant I was gonna be in texas to see you but as time went on I struggled hard and as each complication followed I got less encouragement from you because you were upset about those complications. Walmart for example I was working a nightshift while trying to be up during the day for you but it didn't always work so ontop of being deprived from you, I was also facing you being upset with me during some of the time we did get together because i couldn't hold a constant schedule, and then i had to worry about keeping my job but i was so tired at work and had to start sneaking out to my car so i could get some sleep before i'd have to drive an hour home while dealing with sleep deprivation because i could only get 4-6 hours of sleep so i could be awake with you but then so many times i woke up from my alarm and u weren't there because so often you went out with ur friends and thats awesome for you but its hard to be that sleep deprived and stay awake when u aren't there so i just went back to bed but doing that fucked my schedule so i couldn't sleep the next day on time and it all just meshed together into a big ass mess and i was scared to lose my job because all the sleeping cycle bullshit and i couldn't keep risking getting some sleep in my car because i needed that money and i needed to save so we could be together, because i wanted to get you things and so many times i had to weigh whether to sleep or not, whether i should be dead asf and spend a few hours with you or have enough sleep to function at work and get home without falling asleep behind the wheel which happened several times and scared the living shit out of me. Having that job and maintaining something with you was fucking hell, but obviously I wanted you more than the job so once I got let go after my contract was up I wanted a break, I asked for month, a month before having to go through that torture, a month where i wouldn't have to face the reality of all that responsibility on me. I understand that you were in school and hated that i was just at home relaxing but you don't have the slightest clue of the pressure and pain i was going through but when i tried to help you understand: "lazy" "unmotivated" and again went on about how you couldn't stand that you were in school but i wasn't working and said "well if that pressure is that much then just forget it and don't come to texas" well van, I loved you and i wanted us, and it was worth it but I just wanted peace before going back to it. I had plenty saved so it wouldn't be dangerous to do, and I needed a break from it all, I was never going to get hired in november nor december regardless because companies don't hire in those months. So as simple as it maybe look to you it wasn't just “i don’t need a job”, I went through hell being the one responsible for our future and it sucks that you can't see that. Theres a lot of people that work nightshift and majority of the time those people stay up after they get home from work and sleep all day while their significant others are awake and only get to spend an hour at max a day with them and love eachother on the weekends but at least i made a fucking effort to do so. I'm sorry it wasn't enough for you.
"“i’m interested in computer science” - never took a real initiative to do anything about it". Yes, yes I am interested in it, I've been into tech, computers, gaming, for years longer than you have. I've been into tech since the i was 6-7 years old and would love nothing more than to have a job related to it. What I wanted to do was go into the military and for you I didn't, I didn't because we had an understanding that I wasn't going to college and we'd start our careers at the same time, you in college and me doing whatever training or certifications I needed. Before you I was going to go into the airforce, I was gonna jumpstart my career into the tech world through it but you hated that idea so much that even after we broke up you requested that I didn't. You can't say I didn't try van, we had a PLAN, I put my own plans aside to merge with yours but you never even gave it a chance to let it happen. I was meant to start my shit in texas the same time you did but you bailed on the idea so you don't get to say I never took initiative to do anything because what i took initiative in was being the one moving to texas. If you haven't noticed it was never even a question about who was going to move to who, I was the one that was always gonna go to you without you needing to ask it of me. I was the one responsible for making the money to do it, I was responsible for driving a thousand miles across the fucking country for you. I'm so sick of you saying I was lazy, or I never took initiative in anything because its bullshit. Newsflash- you're still in high school and thats not your fault but you were sitting in a desk at school or relaxing at home with your friends while i was busting my ass to make money for us, I already graduated, I had already had 2 jobs, I was the one that made thousands of dollars for US, for YOU, so we could be together. It had been ONLY 7 months since i graduted and because I didn't have my life together, because I didn't have a "clear certain path" it wasn't good enough for you. There was a certain plan, a path, all we had to do was love each other, stick together for it to work and YOU bailed not me, I would've stayed with you through anything and I have no problem confidently saying that when you said "I love you more" it was clearly utter bullshit. You left, you didn't have faith in me, you wouldn't stick with me through anything, you couldn't even give me the one fucking thing I asked from you to help me in this journey which was a chance to prove what i claimed i could be with- and for you by my side. I never asked you to choose a college near me, I never asked you to get a job to help me with money for the move, I never asked you for ANYTHING to take some weight off my back except a chance to stick around and find out if I was real about my intentions or not. All I ever asked was for you to just be there, just be there have a little faith in the person you claimed to love, to encourage me when i struggled, to simply wait because time was the only thing between us and our future.
Through it all you never took a moment to consider the decline of my mental state, "laziness, lack of iniative, no drive to do anything, not being able to reach my emotions, can't sleep right, etc..." I wonder what a doctor would say if you have them that list of symptoms... hmm probably depression and I'd think you'd know that since you apparently have "moderate depression". You've put yourself on this thrown talking about having some determined drive, "i just do what i have to", and talking about how hard school is and you're busting your ass for good grades and thats great and all but you'd been so prideful of yourself, so self centered like some boss bitch that kicks ass in the world while shitting on me for my struggles. Critizing me because I can't sleep right, calling me lazy because I needed a break from everything i was going through, going on about how unmotivated I am as if you haven't been killing my drive while you talked down to me whilst again putting urself on a thrown and ultimately leaving me for it. Early on when I got let go from work my mom would often bombard me with jobs I could try applying for or just ask when i was gonna get a job or something just to keep it on my mind but the one thing she'd never do is talk down to me about it, she's only encouraged me forward and I swear to you that after every one of those fucking encounters I went to my room after and looked at jobs, applied for some in hope for a response back. Someone that loves you will encourage you when you're down not make themselves look better in comparison.
I've done my wrongs by you, I've said things I shouldn't say, I've done things I shouldn't have done but I bettered myself, I saw that I did wrong by disrespecting your religion, I did wrong with what i said the day we talked about you crying, and yeah its all fucked up but those were things early on Van, how it someone meant to move forward if they're judged by what they've done in the past. The past is the past and it should stay in the past until it happens again in the present... which is hasn't. After that one time I never put you down about the crying, and once you made it clear that you felt I disrespected your religion I did my best to be sensitive about it, I genuinely never meant to disrespect it in the first place nor anytime after while we talked about it. I've made mistakes but I did better, I got better and we both know a lot of the issues we both had in the past weren't there anymore after some time.
I improved where I struggled, I did my best, I worked on what you mentioned to me if i didn't realize my fault, and in the end I was the one who stayed even after you left, I was the only one who ever fought for the other. There are plenty of wrongs you've done, this essay points out many of them and I'm so sick of you pretending like you're some angle out of all of this. When I was down you were suppose to encourage me, when i messed up you were supposed to tell me, when you left is when you needed to stay the most. You said "I don't date for fun, I date for marriage", you've never even dated before sooo that doesn't make sense and if you dated for marriage you wouldn't have left when you weren't even the one going through it. Through all of my struggles the last few months you've made them about yourself anytime I brought it up. Like I spoke of earlier in this, I was going through hell and the whole time you made it about how you were feeling, how my struggles affected you, how me not having enough money was worrying you when it was MY responsibility like it always was." i gave it my all the last two weeks, but every time i could never even reach your emotions" OBVIOUSLY something is fucking wrong van, and for whatever reason your response is to break up and then have the audacity to later say "I date for marriage" well clearllyyyyy your partner is going through something and your response is to leave? Some solid "devotion" you got there to that marriage you spoke of.
Every time we talked about this all you can do is talk about my depression period that lasted a month or so out of the whole year we spent every day together and now bringing up the past like its things I never fixed and stopping doing because thats all you can say whilst not taking any responsibility for a single fucking thing. We've talked many times about this since we broke up I've realized more and more that "I love you more" was a lie, maybe you thought you loved me more but you didn't, you couldn't love me more than our differences, you couldn't love me more than the fact that I wasn't going to college, you didn't even love me enough to wait a few more months for the plans we waited on for over a year to finally take place. Its actually fucking insane to me that all that time you claimed to love me your intial break up reason was because I wouldn't go to college, it almost sounds a sarcastic joke, and then leave because what?.. because I'm struggling to do this on my own? because I'm fighting depression and you don't love me enough to stay like someone who's in it for marriage would?
"If she wanted to she would" right, i guess you didn't want it like you said you did. "i tried so hard to love you and be with you for who you were becoming." With who I'm becoming? I wasn't becoming anyone van, its called a fucking struggle, a low point, its called depression, and if you had any sense of what it means to date for marriage you would've tried to help instead of leaving and saying "I gave it my all" when you didn't give it shit except gloat about your own capabilities and talk down to me. A month or two of a struggle isn't someone becoming something else, its literally someone hurting, its someone in need of support and love.
We'd be together for a year, who i was when we first got together was a lot worse of a person than who i am now, over an entire year I was becoming a better person, I was the version of myself when we were together and the couple months that I was hurting is apparently me becoming someone else? That's impatience, thats looking at it with tunnel vision, simply seeing what I'm giving as much in the relationship instead of wondering why i'm not giving as much. You aren't suppose to shit on someone for their failures, you figure out whats wrong and help them up, thats literally the basics of a relationship, of literally any relationship of any kind.
"Welp kaz lost motivation, he can't sleep right, hes become emotionless, has no drive for anything anymore, well i guess kaz just has magically become someone else in a month or two and i can't stay and love him anymore" like the fuck? You lost devotion and dedication van, if not that then you simply didn't see that i was hurting not becoming someone else, its one or the other. There was never a "Kaz, are you okay? You don't seem yourself lately and I was wondering if something is wrong or if i can help?" it was "Kaz are you gonna get a job soon, you're lazy, you aren't dedicated, etc...". You never asked shit in these "2 weeks" you said you gave it your all, we never talked about breaking up, we never discussed what worries you had, there was never a "Okay, we're at a low point and need to start working back up together" like you're supposed to in relationships not blaming it all on me and claiming i've become someone else.
This whole fucking time I've been the one with the responsibility of us and all you had to do was sit real pretty in the front seat, be a passenger princess and graduate high school till texas but nope, somehow my struggles, and my pain are just too much for you to go through like you're the one going through it. So ya know what I'm sorry my pain was too much for you to feel, i'm sorry that while i'm going through depression I couldn't give the same emotions i once did before, i'm sorry i couldn't sleep and give you the time of day because I had to balance us and work, i'm sorry i had to take a break because everyday on my way home from work i was tempted to crash into a tree and end my suffering but didn't because you were worth it to me, i'm sorry that i couldn't stop fighting for you, i'm sorry i can't leave you alone after you left me, i'm sorry that I texted you because i thought if theres anything to suppress the suicidal thoughts in my head it'd be your words, I'm sorry I was such a burden in your life and that you simply just couldn't handle that I'm struggling to do all this on my own.
"as much as i want to be nice to u after i ended things i realized that we could never work" - this was total bullshit. You mentioned kids, said several times i'd be happy to have them with you, and we had different religious beliefs all we had to do was respect that for each other and yeah i messed up early on but fixed it pretty damn quick. I love every bit of who you are and accepted all of it despite my mistakes in the **past**.
"that last month god i know you loved me but i almost never felt genuinely appreciated" well now you know why,
bummer you couldn't like.. idk help? or at the very least wait it out so I could help myself if you didn't want to.
So Van, tell yourself whatever you need to to help yourself through this, pretend you were dedicated and devoted, pretend you were a perfect girlfriend, hell this essay might help you hate me more too so good for you. And for fucks sake this isn't a guilt trip, genuinely don't care if it makes you feel guilty or not and that was never my intention to in any arguments we ever had which apparently was the case according to anh.
Pretend that you loved me more so you can move on with a clear conscious, I know I will because I did my best, i fought till the very, I never left you and never would've because I meant it when i said i loved you more.
p.s- if you couldn't get rid of me before, this should help you press those buttons so go ahead, we both know its what your "mind" is telling you is best even if your heart would still say differently like before.