Dear Diary,
It didn't take me long to realize in our relationship that she wasn't relationship ready.
What I mean by this is that relationships take full commitment and supporting each other the best you can during that relationship but instead of sticking by my side through the hard or scary stuff she chooses to give up.
I've noticed this characteristic in a lot of things she does, building her pc, trying new game, trying a new show, getting through arguments, etc... and now she's given up on our relationship and decided to end things simply over anxiety.
I knew from the beginning this was always a risk but I tried my best to prevent things from happening but theres only so much a person can do for their relationship when only one of them wants to save it.
She often times called me lazy, and I guess I tried to tolerate it but for the most part it wasn't about her calling me lazy, it was the fact that she had such a low tolerance for new things, hard things, or anything out of her comfort zone.
I'm the one that would stick by her side to the end, I'm the one that never left the rooms during arguments, or went and ranted to all my friends to tell them all about it and take their advice instead of working it out with her.
After our breakup she said she tried her best and if I believed her I think I would've been more content with it and better at being friends but she always gave up, not just before me but she always gave up so fast and never put in the real effort to salvage anything.
The reason we broke up is because I'm not going to college and she's scared for our future, not because my job situation, or anything like that. I could already be making 60k fresh out of high school but because I've decided not to go to college she doesn't wanna risk her future.
The fear is understandable but the issue is the lack of trust and faith in me, this issue is simply not sticking with me through it, through my own battles to prove I'm worth her future. She went on and on about how its her future at risk and all that but its literally only my future at risk, I'm the one not going to college, I'm the one moving across the country for her, I'm the one that has to marry into a foreign culture and prove myself to a family of crazy standards. Her future was never at risk, all she had to do was work on her own and let me worry about mine but no, i guess thats just too much to ask for a reason i still don't understand.
Im writing all this now because I woke up to a text that says "maybe its best that we cut our losses and split ways".... we LITERALLY just broke up and shes already trying to just stop being friends after she begged me to stay in her life after she left me. Its been a week and everything has been so fucking confusing in so many different ways with her. I just wished she'd say what she wanted and fucking do it instead of back stepping and changing her mind.
I want us to stay in each others lives too, I wanna stay friends too and I'm doing my best but there's only so much I can take before I say something that'll end everything.
All she had to do was wait, wait and just see how things turn out but she just couldn't and now each day we fall further and further apart.
I don't like being angry at her, or disappointed but I am. I pissed off she took our chance away from us and disappointed that she have up on something beautiful. We could've been so much more and now it'll never happen.
I love her to death but I hope she feels regret for a long time, I hope she feels guilty for what she took from us, and if part ways I hope she misses me every fucking day because she deserves it.