Dear Diary, sorry for last time but I had to let that out somewhere. Right now it's a bit better, but still not great. It's christmas and I am constantly thinking what I would be doing with my girlfriend right now. Thats not exclusive to christmas but today its a bit more specific. We would probably decorate the tree together, I would give her a gift and maybe we would cook or bake something special together. I got ingredients to bake a cake and I am going to do it in the next few days maybe even today. That feels like one thing I can do to express my love to her without her actually being here or existing at all. One thing about this situation that really sucks is that you end up not doing many things you would otherwise enjoy because they seem meaningless to do single. But sometimes you should still do them I feel like. I won't have the experience of baking with her, but at least I will have some cake to eat. I've been thinking about other ways to express my love, but it's difficult. Liking drawings and cosplaypictures of women online feels like a way to do it. It's nice because they will apreciate the praise and absolutely not think I am annoying for doing it. That is generally they problem with interacting with women. Everything you can do to express your appreciation for them will be seen as annoying or worse, except basic things like christmas wishes. I will be doing those today, but they are basically just pleasentries and dont have much meaning. It just sucks so much how we men just feel so worthless for women. There is no sense that anything we do romantically will be appreciated. Because for that you would need some previous confirmation that they feel like interactions like that are ok. But they will never give you that confirmation. The only way seems to be to just do it and hope you are lucky. But I am probably never going to do that, I just cant. I never even see any opportunity where it might be ok. Everything is just so clearly crossing the line of harassment. If I do it in a public space, its going to be complete strangers who will 99,9% react negatively. If I do it in a bar I will be the dumb guy hitting on people. (Also I dont think people actually get relationships from that just hookups) If I do it online, I will be the creepy desperate guy that spams their inbox. If I do it in a more normal social setting, I will be the guy abusing the occasion. If I do it to a friend, I will be they guy who is just friends for ulterior motives. I am just so tired of this situation. I want to live in a world where people just like each other regardless of their gender. But I even struggle to find that in fiction. I mentioned some stuff here and there but there is almost nothing sadly. Media where the woman is interested in a guy and maybe even asks him out is super rare. It's the whole men aren't allowed to dream aspect. Men arent allowed to feel like women like them for themselves. Only through saving the world or months of romantic courtship are men allowed to feel like they deserve love. The only exception (except the rare manic pixie dream girl sruff I mentioned before) is media for teen girls. You know, where they have their big crush on a boy, usually one that seems out of reach. Its at least something, even if its also just a way to set up a trope girls like, the one where the popular guy in highschool is suddenly interested in them. They are not going to ask him out themselves of coursd. But at least they like him, that is something, more than you can say about adult romance. It is such a tragedy that the only time where women liking guys is kind of accepted is the teenage awkward phase of our lives where we are still completely clueless. We also dont know how much worse its going to get as an adult. I already struggled with feeling guilty about my sexuality as a teen, but now there are even less clues that women actually appreciate men liking their bodies.
Merry Christmas everybody, kind of wish I could ride on Santas slay tonight and make sense of this world from above