October 21, 2022 #325


Dear Diary, last night and this morning were stressful for me. I was feeling positive about doing job search but now I returned where I had been long. I am thinking about canceling the phone interview. I think it’s time for asking help. I’ve already graduated but the career adviser in my university told me I can always ask him for help. 

Oh and why I didn’t ask the therapist if she thinks it’s okay to me to start job application again. It still drains me out when I think about. But I am sure that everyone feels in that way. But I want to know if I can do it while maintaining my health. Am I doing okay or not…? I can’t tell because I have been like this. 

When did I find myself being like this?

It was back in winter 018 when I find drained out on my way to home from uni. Couldn’t wait for a bus. Usually I decided to walk to home. But I didn’t really want to go home so I visited every shops and stores on the way to home. I knew it takes really really long. I didn’t want to see my friends sometimes. I went to ask for help for therapist in my uni. I visited her every week for a while. I was just letting my mind out. The topics were mainly about my sister and the future of my family, and about the high school teacher who locked me in a restroom stall and yelled at me. 

I believed I have seasonal depression at that time. It was always fall that I skipped classes for months back in my junior high and high school. I just didn’t want to see my friends. 

It was 2019 winter that I felt something is completely wrong with me. I felt something deadly dark inside of my body. I couldn’t remember why I was able to go to lectures. 

In the summer 2020, I spent days in my dark room alone. I had almost no emotions but my mind kept saying “I’m dead inside” 
I can’t remember how I started to reach out to my family. Well we are in the same house. Of course it’s not a mansion but a flat. Later they told me they thought I’ve been avoiding them. But I had believed they didn’t want to see me because I am such a wasted space. It took me so long to remind myself that I am loved. I still keep the reminder on my phone screen. 

Summer 2021 was also hard. I somehow managed to attend classes to get credit. I was empty. I should have put uni on hold. I couldn’t reply to my friends. 
In October, I started seeing psychiatrist. I had been suffering from insomnia as well.