Dear Diary,
Hi, I want to write many things today, this entry is going to be a long one.
Good things that happened in last 4-5 days, I will write that first, I guess one of them was Aaru aka Aarohi, my niece, she is such a cutie and she is a kid full of life, loves me or us coz we are always nice to her and she really talks nonsense but atleast we laugh on that, and that is definitely a happy hour for me, atleast refreshing, apart from her, the good part is we "family" are together, no matter about the problems or situations going on, we are together and we can deal with everything, we celebrated or actually we didn't celebrated but still mummy papa gave us money when we touched their feet to seek blessings. And apart from these I don't remember anything that happened was cheerful or good.
Now about the 02/10, I thought to surprise everyone at home because we were coming one day earlier and then my brother told papa that we are coming so surprise wasn't a surprise till we reached home but that day I had to woke up so early in the morning coz the maids couldn't come early in the morning, so I cleaned the house, washed utensils, packed my stuffs and I was literally tired and hungry, but we reached home in just 5 hrs and this route used to take 7-8 hrs 1-2 years back but now when the highways are ready so but I was traveling via road on this route after a whole year, I preferred train but the beautiful Hasdeo river bridge has been substituted by the new bride and the from old bridge the river looked so beautiful, Green and clean water, just beautiful, I realised that this old bridge and old roads are now "Roads not taken", I guess I read some peom in school named Road not taken so I remember the title, anyways as soon as we entered our district, it's just hills and greenery and forest everywhere, ofcourse they are treat to the eyes.
We are travelling back tomorrow and it's gonna take a longer duration coz everyone is going tomorrow.
03/19 Papa received the transfer orders again and he was panicking so much and you know right that papa is stressed he makes everyone panic because he is too implusive, I guess I am implusive coz of the same genes only, so everything just got tensed
And it is sad to see papa like this, I mean his physical health, I mean he is not able to walk properly, I guess there is some issue in nerves and physiotherapy is required but before that we will go to the hospital and get MRI done, I feel that why they aren't taking care of themselves, it is so sad parents suffering like this.
04/10, the day was similar, and same situation, yes I want to write that my Papa is a good father, definitely I feel so few years back he was very different but he changed with time and he is a different one, I ofcourse love him but one thing I don't like about him is that he blames anyone of us or anyone for anything, he lacks acceptance in life, maybe coz of the past he had, I know every stroy, still he should atleast try to overcome the negativities he keep inside himself, I feel that my father is a good husband too but I feel is is good only at 60% and 40% of him is toxic, toxic not in the way that he abuses or anything , it's just that mummy is a easy target for him to blame over things, I mean how baseless is everything he says, like he got transferred coz mummy was not happy with him staying and relaxing, Ankur could not go to Austria and Singapore coz mum asked to make some donation at Bari Durga but didn't did the donation on time and many more and there are many stories like this and mummy shares things about the past, definitely papa is a loving husband but no one is perfect and I don't like this side of him. I definitely do not want a husband who will be like him.
05/10, it was Dusherra, Ankur is shifting to Gurgaon day after tomorrow, I am envy of his employees who are getting free accommodation in Gurgaon cyber city and that too the posh area and society , he will be paying the rent per month of three flats including which is higher than the annual ctc of many people I mean 5-6 lakhs per month literally, I feel envy from the employees who will be getting free flight tickets, free home, and a handsome salary over it and the view of Arawali hills from their balcony. But I wish that he I mean Ankur should grow more and live the life he wants.
06/10 Today I wasn't okay, I asked Shikhar to call me , I told him that I want to say something hateful to you coz I can't bear it anymore, I said that all the happy memories have vanished from my mind and all I remember now is the sufferings which I received, I said him that you took away my peace, smile, laughter all with you, now I just cry at times, have to force smile on my face so that my family thinks that I am okay, I told him that when I was quite drunk that day and I missed him and wanted to talk to him but as I had decided I will not call no matter what, I asked Arihant to talk to me so that I might not end up calling him, and I told him that Arihant said me that don't call him you know right that he doesn't care for you at all, so I managed not to call, I said all I have now is anger , hatred for him, I said that I can't even wish you a good luck for future bcoz from inside I don't feel so, I saying that and I said many such things, but he asked me that how are you feeling now, do you feel light? He tried to crack jokes in between to make me laugh, . Idk if I am okay or not, I told him that it hurts me knowing about his marriage and all and I only received betrayal from him.
And I am not like this yaar, I usually don't say people all these things, I just forgive and let go, I never curse anyone but I said whatever I had in my mind.
I asked him to delete all my pictures from his phone, and you know what he is getting married on 9th December, haha the anniversary date of my parents, I will never forget his marriage date now. But when I talked to him I got to know that he is registering his marriage on this 16 only, usually people get married and then register marriage but here the scenario is different and how can be someone so sure about someone that he is registering marriage by knowing the person from one month or maybe half more. But anyways his life.
He was saying do something for yourself, start something for yourself, then I asked him will he invest if I start a business, will he be my partner for 50-50 then he said yes, I said that I am not joking and I am serious and he said he is serious too, but I had a condition that nobody from us will have any kind of personal conversation at any point, only work will be discussed. We decided the name for the agency.
He will have to learn few things or I have to collect some information before registering the business.
I said that don't blackout later and he said he won't, I don't know about myself yaar, I want to do this but I don't want to get hurt more but let see where it goes, if we could really start this this time coz this is something we have discussed since Feb end but never implemented , let's see what happens this time.
And I also want to move on, he has moved on atleast I think this and is happy, then why am I suffering alone and stuck, why I need to move on now coz nothing is left there so I think I am okay to give it a try having a business with him. And how could I forget to mention, his parents are also doing expenses in his wedding, when it was our time, they just said they won't make any expenses, such double standards but nevermind you get only those things which you are destined for,. Enough talking about him, I guess this is the last time I am writing about him, I will restrain myself from writing about him and I will try not to think.
It's just that I saved myself all of these years from getting hurt by not letting people come this close to me that they can hurt me but I let him come in my life and see, I never thought that I will see any such thing in my life, seeing the person you loved marrying someone else but this is life, full of weird experiences, Life lessons, this is how we learn to grow and heal and these weird experiences only make a happening story of life.
I promise myself that I will try harder and harder to move on and to have my mental state fine, I will try to think less and enjoy more.
One more thing, I can't leave my parents like this alone, I mean my brother is shifting to Gurgaon and he may support them financially but I have to take a back seat and look after them atleast for now until things don't get better.
Okay diary, enough for today, goodnight. And I will set a reminder for this entry for 1 year so that I could see how far I have come or what things have been changed, how much I have grown.
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