I have an obsession with destroying myself. But I’m too scared to go through with anything extreme that could genuinely destroy my body and mental health, I’m scared I won’t be to bounce back into a positive state anymore so I don’t do it but I fantasize everyday about doing drugs and torturing myself psychologically. I don’t know why but I want to suffer, It’s not that I don’t like being happy and positive it’s just I feel this NEED to be sad and destroy myself and I’m scared one day I’m gonna say “fuck it” and I’m gonna give in and do it. I’m gonna do cocaine and Molly, I’m gonna drink till I black out. I’ve already slowly started fulfilling this fantasy but not all the way though because I don’t want to loose myself.