Dear Diary,
This is my first entry. I find this is the best way to express how i feel whilst being 'hidden'. I'm an emotional person and sometimes emotions can cloud judgement.
I'm currently in a complete cluster f**k of my life. I have come back from a wonderful holiday with my beautiful partner and our 2 kids.
The kids had a great time, as did I. However a day after getting back, my partner tells me we haven't been getting along and we are friends, co sharing the house. This was a shock to me, not to her, its been on her mind since end of July.
I know we haven't been perfect lately, but all couple go through rough spells where they don't get along, or don't like to be round each other every evening. But it seems I'm being put in the 'friends zone' with no clue on what my future holds, what OUR future holds, the kids futures, nothing. Its all played on a day by day basis, when i ask how she is or how work is its 'yeah its alright', no explanation as to why the answers are so short. I tell her all about my day, if I'm given the time to. I feel like I'm being treated as if ive cheated on her (which i obviously haven't) with the short answers, cold shoulders, don't want to be around me. Its the kids that im upset about, we have to 'share' them basically, so i get some days with them where i can hang out with them, take them out, put them to bed etc, and days where my partner has them. Those days are hard, because i can hear them yet i feel afraid to go downstairs (i stay up in our bedroom when my partner has them in the house, we split the bed and the sofa when it comes to sleeping. I spend some time sleeping in the bed fort a few days, then i swap with my partner and i have the sofa to sleep on). The kids haven't questioned it yet, but i know my daughter will because she's old enough to click on. I wont say there ages but both are under 10.
I sit in the bedroom watching something on my phone, whilst i can hear giggling or playing about. I want to join in, i want to be a family of 4 again, but i feel so left out. I am trying to give her the space she wants (in her words 'i want my own space, my own time, and with the kids') and respect what she wants. She tells me we don't talk, yet she's always on her phone, listening to Spotify or watching FB videos.
I get that sometimes we don't talk, and she thinks we don't get along, but i think its because we are always round each other each evening, i dont go out as much as i should, if I'm being honest nor does she. I just want the chance to be able to try again, to regain that spark, that smile, that warmth and happiness. I feel lonely, when its the evening and the kids are in bed, i just want a cuddle, to have her legs and feet on my legs so she can chill out and watch tv together, have a date night at home or something like that. I just want to prove that i can listen and adapt the way i behave. I'm not a bad person, yes i can stress and make situations when were out stressful. Yes i say the wrong things sometimes, but i have took that on board and im more relaxed now, i don't shout at the kids if there not listening i just keep repeating myself until they do it. I am trying to be a better person, I just want the chance to prove it to my partner and try to go out as a 4 ;-(
I am not religious, i lost my dad 10 years ago, but i will be praying, speaking with my dad and asking for a way to help me show my partner that i am a better person (tbh i didn't think i was a bad person in the first place). I know this might make me sound like a mad man, but I'm not a bad guy, i don't have a nasty streak in me, i like to smile, to joke around, to laugh, to love. I want to smile again, to be happy, the only time i get that is when im round the kids and when im at work as im round other people. When im alone thats when i feel the sadness, the emotion, the tears. A million scenarios run through my mind, 99% of them might not be relevant or ever happen, but i just dont want to give myself hope or ill end up even more hurt than i already am.
I feel like part of me has died with what is happening, it sounds dramatic i know, but its just how i feel. Im a cuddly toy, but yet i feel like a deflated balloon :(