Dear Diary, I spent the day with my father today, even though I havent been feeling that well. The usual girlfriend thing. I haven't been able to think about much else the past few days. The whole terrible situation is just repeated over and over again in my head. It just hurts so bad that I missed my chance at young love one of the few things that matters to me in this world. Since kindergarden I was thinking about girls all the time and really wanted to just hug one, but I will never do that. At least not in the way that I want. Even if I get to do it with 35 or 40 or sth it will be much to late. I will be one of those guys who is only interested in women much younger than him I just know it. And then it will be absolutely impossible to find someone since my morals wouldnt allow me to approach someone so much younger than me. So my only option will be to be an asshole and even then it wont be the same as if we were both younger. This self hate of mine will never end. When I was a teen I was feeling guilty of feeling sexual towards girls at all, which wasnt all my fault because society lies about girls having a sexuality too, but I still think abput what could have been. It was my fault, since I am smart enough to see through that. It was because I was afraid and didnt trust my own judgment. And then there is the whole gender situation of course, which really isnt my fault.
Anyway I was with my father and his new wife at this celtic museum. It was alright. Looking at all that ancient jewelery I couldnt help but think that the celts gave this stuff to their girlfriends. Maybe things were better back then. I had to keep up a minimum facade though, since my father has cancer and I didnt want to ruin one of his days off. It helps that I'm already usually kind of deadpan so I could hide behind that.
The rest of the day was spent listening to my Mom talk about her toothache which she is going to the doctor for tomorrow. And listening to Belle, who is unsure if she should see this therapist or not. I already chatted with her the whole night yesterday about that. I'm fine with listening to peoples problems and I like to help, I just wish that people would take my problem seriously. I know they cant help, but they could at least say how much it sucks or sth. I've talked to them before avout it, why cant they just acknowledge my pain.
Apparently Spike is in London, since she posted a pic from the Tate Modern on her insta. That means she couldnt possibly see Ponyp this friday with me. I feel like a fool for posting that in the group. All my efforts are for nothing, even if I get close to someone they will always just want to be friends and then I will be the one who solves their problems because friends cant help me with my problems. I fucking hate all of this. I hate that girls dont ever show interest in guys and wont even really talk about that they like guys unless you look for it in the dark corners of net like here. I fucking hate that probability is against me. I fucking hate how everybody pushes all these lies about relationships that contradict each other. Like that women want relationships and men want sex. I'm pretty sure both actually want both the same amount. They are just pushed to not admit it because then they would look slutty or unmasculine. And I fucking hate that Spike wont even like me because clearly she is into the whole travelling business too and wont understand my reasons why I dont travel. And I fucking hate that I care about that even though this person hasnt even shown a sliver of romantic interest in me. Or anyone of the girls I was ever interested in.
x