The Wait

"I wanna go to a library," I told her. "Or a bookstore."

Her eyes then lit up and she suggested we go to this café that's located around the area where Erwin resides. "It has books there!" she added. And so there we went. Besides, it was a lovely day to go to a nice and cozy establishment because it had been raining.

But the bitch had an ulterior motive why she was very eager to go to that coffee shop. Remember her boyfriend from Colorado, the one who gave her a ring last year?

(See "Entry 34: Unknown Caller")

Well, he's back in the country for a while and coincidentally, is staying in the same area as Erwin. I could understand the intrigue to meet him since their entire relationship had been long distance, meaning they never met in person. She only knew of the guy through Facebook because he and our cousin used to be neighbours here in the city. But they already broke up a long time ago and my sister has been back with her ex again—the guy before Mr. Colorado—who practically lives with us now.

"Is he coming?" I asked when we settled inside a comfortable cubicle where you can sleep.

"He wants to see you. He says you're cute."

LOL. I know damn well that's just an excuse for him to meet my sister in the guise of it being "innocent" with the presence of "another" company. Because should she ever sneak around to see the Colorado guy alone, that's cheating. Or I don't know. Is it? Tempting as it was because the guy offered to treat us, I didn't have the heart to be supportive about it because it was just downright cruel to her present lover.

"Does your boyfriend even know you're meeting him?" 

"No.." was her sheepish reply. "And I don't want you going around mentioning it to him, either."

I honestly don't know who's bitchier between the two of us since I can't say I'm innocent of things like this myself. But I still felt bad, nonetheless. And it's not that she doesn't love her boyfriend sincerely. If the intention is just pure curiosity then that's probably not infidelity. Still.. "You're such a bitch," I told her.

We ordered two frappuccinos and I browsed around for a book to read but it took me some time to pick one because nothing seemed interesting enough for me to seduce my literary thirst. And my defective eyes were no help to scan through the higher shelves, either. Even if I could, they would still be out of my reach, anyway.

To be honest, I often fantasize about meeting a cute nerdy guy at a library.. Nothing unique, just the typical scene. I'd struggle to get a book from the upper shelves and then he'd reach it out for me because he'd be tall...

"Invite your oppa to come here," my sister said as soon as I returned with a detective book.

"Nope. He's sleeping." I didn't actually know that for certain. I just assumed that was the case because he works at night. I still debated whether to send him a message, however, but decided against it in the end. I just didn't want to invite him. Especially if my sister was going to be there. Although.. I did slightly hope he'd pop a message asking me what I was doing and I'd tell him I was at that coffee shop and then he'd decide to come .. That, I didn't mind.

I had barely read the second page of the book I'd chosen when my little sister informed me that the pregnant witch messaged her she'd be quitting the hospital soon. And on top of all that, our orders just arrived. Ah, this wasn't how I wanted to drink my frappe at all. You're supposed to enjoy it by taking sips from time to time, not in under one minute. 

So that was lame, our stay in that coffee shop. My sister didn't get to meet Mr. Colorado, no message from Erwin, no cute nerdy guy..

Nada.

What has been bothering me lately, though, is the conversation I had with my sisters before we went to the hospital; when the eldest expressed how she was glad she wasn't infertile.

"Yeah, considering there are sterile members in dad's side," lil sis seconded.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

And so they told me how two of father's siblings are unable to procreate. The chances of being barren.. My, but that's what I've always wanted! I even prayed to God about it when I was so scared I might be pregnant. And I'm not one who normally prays. 

Yet.. the thought of me being infertile, backed up by genetical possibilities now, casted a shadow over my spirits..

And I hate it.

What does that mean? Shouldn't I be rejoicing in glee instead? I could have all the sex I want without never having to face the fear, the burden, and responsibilities of ever carrying a child. But confusing as it is to me, even the pleasure of that thought now fails to cheer up my surprisingly troubled heart..