Dear Diary, i try not to follow my peers online. i don’t really like many people so i’m not interested in seeing what they do on the daily. part of it also has to do with my own insecurities. i watch as everyone i grew up with is growing and having new experiences and moving forward with their lives. for two years i’ve been completely stagnant. i stay completely cooped up inside because i love the comfort of my own laziness. i want to socialize but often being around people is completely debilitating. i’ve spent the past two years becoming dependent on my sister for comfort, to the point that when i’m without her for too long i feel awful. i worry that because of my dependence on my siblings i may never be comfortable on my own. i worry that i may stay in this childish state forever. i can’t stand to go out in public because of how pathetic i feel, when i see other people or talk to my friends about my life i feel so fucking childish. they have jobs, their going to school, and all i am is a baby sitter… i feel inadequate to everyone around me. when i think about how many days pass without me even noticing my skin crawls. hundreds of days have come and gone and it feels like every single one of them was wasted…
i guess my logical brain can see that i’m being a bit dramatic, but i don’t like to face that reality. i guess that implies i like making myself feel pathetic? i wonder if that’s true… i have a lot of weird stuff going on in my brain, so that wouldn’t be the most bizarre.
anyway…..