Dear Diary,
All my life, I have been a little weird I felt. So, I have no inclination or motivation towards money unlike most people. One can say I am a miser, but I am not even that. I rarely shop for clothes, never cared much for fashion, never cared much about having a car or home either. Just enough to sustain my lifestyle without having to worry about money would suffice. That's how my mind works internally.
My partner is not like that he is very ambitious, and he believes I am more talented than him so I should have been earning more than him. He told me yesterday he told everyone that she is really intelligent, she would always be earning more than me. Currently he is earning my double. Now, I also want to earn more as I feel I don't earn enough based on my skillset. Same goes with my weight, I am a little on the chubby side now. I want to be fit and sexy. He keeps telling me to lose weight before marriage. But internally I have so little will power and motivation. If I work out for 2 days for the next 15 days I won't even start. This habit of mine is reflected in career also. I feel I am wasting away my potential. I still remember during Gate coaching when I was in Delhi, I used to solve all the complicated questions so fast. Among the 200 students, there would be multiple times that I solved a question no one else could. And teacher waited a few more minutes for anyone else to solve but still no one could. In every subject teachers used to be impressed. One time the maths teacher even asked my name in front of the entire class, and asked me if I was this good in all other subjects as well. One student from our batch got AIR 7 rank and many got into IITs and PSUs. Well, even I was getting IITs but I had stopped studying completely 3 months before. But I don't blame myself for that because I was going through the most difficult phase of my life.
So, I am very pessimistic that's why I always expect the worst case scenario, that's why I have so low expectations from myself as well. Throughout my life whenever I used to think about future, all I could see was darkness. I always felt that future would be worse, which is totally opposite my partner who is always optimistic about future.
Even when it came to love, due to low expectations, I ended up making bad choices in men. Until I found him, and I had almost friendzoned him but I overcame my need for self destruction there. To be with someone nice, to have a fulfilling relationship is what I cared for most in life. Funny thing is he turned out to be better than my best case scenario. I am impressed that people like him exist , and I know he is rare. He is perfect in every way for me. In every aspect he far exceeds my expectations. We talk for hours and never get board, we have so many deep and meaningful conversations, we tease and laugh at each other a lot, he has a great sense of humour, he is sarcastic, he is really good at sex with a very high stamina, he is as kinky as me, he is understanding, responsible and really mature, he makes so much effort in relationship and is so thoughtful, if I complain about anything he actually works on it and doesn't repeat it, and whenever there is a conflict he so maturely makes me understand everything and also knows how to handle my anger, he showers me with love and effection in all 5 love language i.e. words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. He cares a lot about his family, he is a father figure to his younger brother and takes care of him and his mom. He can resolve any conflict and I know saas bahu issue also won't happen with me because he is just too smart and will resolve any issues if ever happens, he will manipulate us into being our best to each other, and we would happily do so too. And the best part is his mom and brother are also really nice people. The thing is every single day my mind starts praising him for what he is. And I always feel like sharing this with someone, but I don't do that, because others might feel I am boasting. I have to be careful always to praise him in controlled manner. It felt good writing to you about him.
Now back to me, I have many read books on habits and productivity now, i also made a list of things I should do to change my habit. I think even if it 2% I have improved in the last 2 months because I am tracking my routine. But still I am very very far away from being satisfactory and even further away from excelling.
But I am hoping I will follow the tips I have decided to help me for real. Not for a day or two but for lifetime.
Regards,
Anne