Dear Diary,
Its not good to be a good man. Today i wish i wasn't a good person. I wish i were a bad person, i wish i were mean and selfish...
Ohh i dont have strength to write this.
I wish i could take a sleeping pill and just sleep.
When i saw her in the dress, i said you look amazing, fabulous, prettiest. she looked so pretty. before going there, i thought i would be mad at her, but i can never be mad at her. But i had decided that i would talk to her today and ask her what is it that she hasn't been telling me.
Why does she always has a guard.
Why is it that whenever I take a step forward, she takes a step back. Even though how happy we are whenever we are together.
How happy we are... 😢
I said to her, that i cant exaplin to you, how i always believed it was all destiny, she says its probably not, it's probably just me stuck with her and not wanting to move on. I cannot explain her or anyone, that it can only be felt.
Now, i doubt if it was all destiny or not. Or was the destiny just to bring us here and leave us here.
But without her, i dont have any life plans.
She says that vo mere layak nahi he and that she will always be unhappy, how can i ever be happy if she isn't. I cannot explain her how our lives are but one.
I wish she could belive me, trust in me that we'll be happy together, that i'll always, always try and make her happy. God, if you have given strength to everybody, why dint you give me this.
Now, at this point, everything looks quiet meaningless to me, i dont want to go to europe and i cant have the caffe and i wont have that house, the dog, the cat, the garden, nothing.
Now, this isnt the first time, my heart has been this heavy. I have felt lifelss before. So it doesnt hurt much. And i'll still be able to go to sleep remembering the memories from hampta pass, as i always do.
Ofcourse, i cannot change how she feels, it's god's ways. This is how life is, Bizzare, very bizzare.
There isnt much to say. I may meet someone else, or i may never. I dont understand the ways of life, i think i may be misinterpreting the signals, or (I would like to say that maybe there'll be more, but i dont want to be very hopeful right now).
But i cannot change myself, i am a good person, and i'll always be. We arent here to live here forever anyway. Whatever life i have, i shall do good and i'll keep trying to make people more happy. Whoever i meet.
Baby, if you are reading it ever, dont be sad. I am still happy, in whatever way life gave you to me, it's the biggest gift, The Biggest, and i am always going to cherish it. And you always know this, that you are always loved 🤗 ❤️.
Now, i will just find something else in life.