Dear Diary, i feel weird, as per usual. i miss my friend, and i feel an overwhelming sense of hopelessness. i don’t expect us to go back to the way things were before, and sometimes i’m accepting of that and other times i’m in denial. i find myself becoming less interested in caring for my plants and it upsets me. my sunflowers are a bit confused. i have plenty of perfect flowers but many of the leaves look unhealthy, i’ve been procrastinating doing anything about it, and i don’t go to check for leaf hoppers as often. i have a hard time forcing myself to do things, as if my body ignores my brain out of spite. maybe that’s just an excuse so i don’t have to face the fact that i’m so lazy. i have many poor qualities but my laziness is my least favorite thing about myself.
anyway, on another note i wanted to give myself another stick n poke. i thought about doing an eye on my hand. i wasn’t exactly sure how i felt about it so i decided to do something else. i started tattooing “cry baby” on my foot. over these past couple months i feel as though i’ve been forced to recognize how emotional i am. a year or so ago i would be ashamed for reacting so emotionally to things, but i can recognize now that by letting myself express my overwhelming and intense feelings that i can let go of them. years ago i would’ve just held everything in and drove myself insane brooding over my thoughts and feelings, but now it’s impossible for me to keep them to myself. at times being so honest about how i feel can be embarrassing, but it’s far easier to deal with a little bit of embarrassment and admit i’m a bit of a cry baby than to keep everything in my head and be miserable. i like to use labels for myself that have negative connotations, sometimes i mean it in a degrading way, but sometimes they don’t feel like a bad thing at all. i’ll be the first to admit i’m a crybaby little bitch, but at least i let myself feel my feelings.