Dear Diary, i made a new internet pal a few days ago. it’s rare for me to find someone i enjoy talking to, and meeting people over the internet is so dull sometimes. with this person it felt so easy to talk to them right off the bat. i know realistically i should socialize with more people, and in person it’s easier, but online it’s so easy for me to become uninterested and bail. this is the first time in a long time that hasn't happened.
i’ve gotten to a point where i question if i want my irl friends around anymore. it has less to do with them and more to do with my own insecurities. if i reject one, i have to reject them all. i’m constantly on the fence about isolating myself again, this internet person is reminding me what it’s like to enjoy talking to people. i need so desperately to grow my social circle, i used to think having few friends was a good thing, but with a mentality like mine it’s pretty bad, even ann thinks so.
it feels good to have a different sort of engagement though. talking to this new pal is a lot different than “him.” he went to boot camp the other day, he won’t be back until 6 weeks. even then, we still might not talk. the point of bringing him up is to say, i don’t have to dwell on his absence so much anymore. i still miss feeling like we’re friends, but instead of spending all my free time thinking of how i miss his company i can instead worry about anticipating my new pals next message.
sometimes i worry that i hang on the edge of every interaction i have with another person. maybe i’m not as secluded as i would like to think. sometimes i worry i don’t know who i am or how i feel. i worry that the feelings i think i have are just a mask because i can’t bear to face how i really feel. sometimes i think to much….