Dear Diary, sometimes i see things on the internet that make my skin crawl. it’s not what you’d expect, i’m comfortable with all kinds of morbid pictures and stories, gore and horror don’t typically bother me. what gets me most is when i see something that describes me in a depressing way. when i read about how a specific behavior of mine is a trauma response, or how my personality is that of someone with severe depression… i try so hard to get away from these things. i’ve been doing a lot of work in therapy, i thought i was getting rid of these nasty traces of myself, yet they’re still so visible. i thought i had been making a lot of progress, and i guess realistically i am. it’s just discouraging to be reminded of my problematic qualities. i don’t feel depressed. i don’t have the same heavy stone of misery sitting in my chest the way i used to. i don’t lay in bed basking in the feeling of despair the way i used to, so why do i feel as though i’m still mentally sick? i’m still so lazy, i still hate social interactions, i still have the same awful habits. i still feel as though my depression is lingering. what else do i have to do? what other things do i have to talk about in therapy? i’m running out of time with ann, she’s about to retire… i don’t feel sad, i just feel hopeless.
i can recognize in my logical mind that recovery is a long process, and i have made lots of progress. i think when i’m reminded of my habits pertaining to my depression it discourages me, but one thing therapy has helped me do is separate my logical thoughts from my emotional ones. even though i can separate them, i feel all of these thoughts and feelings no matter how contradictory they are.
i talk to plants more than i talk to people nowadays. i have to admit, i like it that way.