[ENTRY 107..✍️]
juillet 10, 2020
vendredi | 6:48am
Wow. I thought the moment I'd grab a paper and a pen and start writing how I feel about you, the words would just smoothly flow. I've been thinking of doing this for quite a while now cos when I think of you, it seems I have so much to say, and I do. I truly do. But after I've written today's time and date, my mind went blank. And for a moment, I forgot what I felt for you.
Truth is, I haven't stopped thinking about you, even when I'm so engaged with something else. Somehow, you always manage to slip through a tiny crack into my thoughts and it's crazy. Cos right now, you really make me sad. I don't expect us to go back to how we were before cos we've already passed that bridge where everything feels like magic. We're crossing a different road now. The road of transition. I should know. Been here too many times, I've already memorized the pattern. And I'm sure you're familiar with it, too. It's just all too inevitable. Even before this began to happen, I'd already thought of this moment.
I really miss you..
Everyday, I wanna send you a message. Since it's already over anyway, maybe I should just pour everything I feel and have you know it. What's stopping me is sounding pathetic.. Like, girl. Take a hint. The guy wants it stopped already. Can't you see it? He's already stopped trying.
Was it my fault?
I never should've acted nonchalant. I never should've told you to go to sleep when it seemed like you wanted to talk more. Cos you were also acting nonchalant..
What's up with that..
Maybe if we both had just been honest. How we both waited for that day.. How excited we were..
Instead, we wore a facade. And blew everything. Slowly, we just learn to accept it cos where is it going, anyway?
You know, this is actually what I was dreading. Before we had that set "reunion" at midnight, I was thinking maybe you should just never come back. Cos the goodbye we had was... good. And I didn't want to ruin that. I don't wanna taint my memory of you with something bad. Cos I really had a good time with you. I want.. when I think of you, all I'd see are the endless smiles and laughters you gave me. How just the simple thought of you, or the things that you said, would make me smile and giggle when I'm all alone as if I'm crazy. I wanna remember you that way.. The cute, tall, charming, smart, silly, and playfully perverted guy from France. Who would talk alien sometimes. And who loves "barking". Arf..
Ha. I wanted to defy the inevitable. How the other gets suddenly cold and they slowly drift apart. Sadly, that's exactly how I predicted our story to unfold. Now my good memories with the cute and silly French guy are tainted with someone who ghosted me.. Someone who acted like an asshole to push me away. The good goodbye was ruined as I feared it would be. Now, there's not even a goodbye anymore.
Should I send this letter to you? What would it do? What would I get from it.. It's tempting.
Maybe I just needed to let this all out of my system. I know a year from now, as I'd read this again, I'd just be smiling through the whole thing. "Ah.. those days. My little romance from the quarantine.."
You know.. I'm jealous of you. Cos you can go out now and meet new people. Whereas I'm still stuck here in this shithole with no one to distract me from my thoughts of you. It's sad, really. And pathetic. I don't know if it's just the pandemic but it's crazy how I feel so much for someone that's technically never even been mine..
I said it before, we were just lockdown buddies. And since you guys are basically back to normal now, you can have your regular life back where, originally there's no "me" in it. I guess that's why I'm kind of okay with the set-up that we have now cos I'd already foreseen it right from the start. At the same time, I want us to talk again and separate ways on good terms. I want another goodbye. Cos you're precious to me, noodle head.
Idk if I'd send this to you.. I'm still debating. But I feel better now that I've let it out.
I just read the whole thing and LMFAO, I sound so dramatic. Sorry about that. I'm PMS-ing. My emotions are heightened. Combine that with the frustrated writer in me and boom. You get a long ass essay: FRONT & BACK.. Hahaha.
Anyway, I hope you have fun now that you're not imprisoned anymore. And stop smoking you baka. You don't wanna murder your future children by dying early cos of lung cancer. Hehe.
Take care, noodle head. Thanks for the memories :)
Love,
Lil Bird