July 07, 2022 #218

Dear Diary, 

I was feeling low this morning. Not that low, I can say tho. But that feeling was enough to scare me because every feeling low moment feels like a beginning of depression. I am recovering now and I don’t want to go back. My mind told me. So I took out a self help book I bought at a used book store last winter. It was about how can we live effortlessly. I don’t know but some of lines could help me out. But now I forgot.   Oh okay it was like just step forward even if you are scared. 

I am scared to do job hunt because I have fear for going back to depression. If I am struggle again or rejected? If I believe that I’m worthless? That’s not easy to ignore that fear. My self esteem is originally low. It have been low for 22 years and 10 months. And I know that I missed many opportunities I might reach because of this. Oh this gonna be such a journey. Lesgo