Dear Diary,
Pain... its what keeps us alive, alert, and how we know when something is real. It sucks though doesn't it? It can be so good for us and somehow so so bad for us. Emotional pain is the worst, it hurts in a way that scars so deep that you'll afraid of making the same mistake for a long long time if not forever.
Physical pain tells us when our body is hurting, it can be uncomfortable for some but to others its nice, a distraction and remedy for emotional pain when nobody or anything is there to cure you of it.
I've been clean for 13 weeks and 3 days but times like this the addictions voice has a lot more power over me and I want to give in. Cutting brings me so much peace and release, I cry as I write this knowing if I even do it just a little I'll relapse so I can't. It's an addiction it’s something that will always be there with me and following close behind as any addiction would and does.
It wasn't always enough, I have a high pain tolerance so it didn't always do enough especially because how long I've been doing it, pouring alcohol on them made it better, the sting was like trying something for the first time again.
The voice has been building a lot faster now that I'm working on a daily basis, she's the only way to block it out and when we aren't getting along its hard to fight it off on my own. Poor baby, guess she didn't realize what she was getting into dating an addict. She has blamed herself many times for not being their for me when I was cutting, it wasn't and never has been her fault but I understand how she can feel responsible... after all I'm the one that put that pressure on her to keep me sane.
I wish I was a better person, I seem to screw up so much and always regret what I did after but once the damage was done in the arguement I can't just decide to stop and hope she won't be upset but of course thats not how that works but I wish I could.
Problem is I'm so very addicted to love and even more addicted to her. Every second of my day she's on my mind and every thing else that I do think about, I connect it with her in some way, like imagining us talking about it or us doing whatever the thought is. I've never wanted someone so much, to hold and love someone so much, and make them happy, so why do I cause more pain than happiness? Why can't I just be good, and understanding, why do I have to have to have bad feelings and let them get in the way of everything thus pushing us further apart.
Why am I so me and why did I let life go on this long.