June 20, 2022 #200


Dear Diary, 

Every time I go through job information sites, I feel I am not good enough to do the works and have no interest to motivate me to overcome. 

But I need to start something. When I start my job, I want it to be a good environment, stable enough, and easy to commute. I don’t really care about my interests. But I want to care about my dream and my health. I found myself very fragile than others around myself. But less fragile to be helped by others. Now I am just waiting for the time I say I am okay. 

Currently, I can’t image myself to live alone. I rather image myself low key neglect myself. My part time job is almost nothing compared to my past part time jobs.  But I feel exhausted when I come home. All Human feel tired when they come home from 9-10 h of works. But how about me? I was just sitting 4.5 hours at library counter plus spend less than 2.5 h for commuting. When I got home, I was exhausted that I don’t want to talk, my lips makes a big arch like a rainbow, feeling very sad for no reason. I don’t really think I can obtain a stable job. 

But at least I sometimes have a motivation to check job infos. I didn’t have it at all several month ago. 

I think I barely have friends. I have some. But I don’t really have friends for example I can write a long enough letter on their birthday, friends for example to show tears to each other when needed, etc… etc… 
I don’t even really know about my parents well. I don’t know what made them married. I don’t know what are their life philosophies. 

I feel like only I have is depressed teenage and university life. I finished both so hmmm just nothing.

 I saw a quote someday. And it was like life is just a bunch of boring free time until we die, so enjoy it and be happy rather than being sad and torcher yourself. 
It was such a eye opener when I first saw it. And after I scroll job infos, it makes me feel like there is no motivation to make my life meaningful. It is meaningful in someway but not like something to show. I don’t really understand why my inner self care about making my things to something to show. Lives are often described as something more dramatic than fiction. But it can be not for everyone. Of course. 
Many common things are not my case. People, esp females are going to marry, not me cuz I’m aromantic. I have sibling with Down syndrome. I can’t stand to be female female. I don’t give a birth. Cuz my body biologically/medically isn’t able to. Suffered from period crump? No. I don’t have period period. See? So it can be not my case that I don’t have any dramatic things to tell. 
TVs reality documentaries gives us those persons story only when they have. So no need to care about others. Just enjoy it by yourself. And of course these joys don’t have to be something big. No pressure.