Dear Diary,
I don't mind her insecurities at all, I understand what they are and why she has them but I do mind that I don't know how to help cure them.
The fact that I have ex's isn't something I can change and she often says "I never had ex's so he doesn't have anything to be insecure over". While it may be true that she doesn't have ex's, a good percentage of her friends are guys and them being friends doesn't change the fact that it bothers me, heck even 1 of them likes her and admitted to her face that he looks at her perversly, and another one used to go on about how he wanted to marry her. Regardless of the risk these people have to my relationship, it still bothers me that they're on the same planet as her.
I guess I can see the point though that she might feel like she has some sort of expectations to live up to that were set by my exs. My only expectations are for her to be loyal and love me, thats literally all there is and they're the 2 most basic expectations in a relationship, Funny enough my exs never did those so she can only go up if thats what she's worried about.
I've read some of the conversations that her and a friend was having about me and they seemed to make a big deal out of the number of exs I've had which is only four, 3 of which I was very young being only 8th grade - freshman age in school, the 4th was a bit more longer lasting but ended just like the rest.
the first only lasted a couple weeks in the summer, the second a month, and the 3rd was like a week if that. Yes these are very short time spans because like I said i was literally in middle school. The 4th was the only relatively long relationship which was about 10 months. 7/10 of those months I saw her once or twice and also for 8/10 of those months if not more she was cheating on me.
The average man has 6 sexual parteners in his lifetime and a women has 7. So if the numbers are that high for sexual parteners then imagine how high they'd be for just dating parteners in general.
At the same time I can't be too surprised at their thoughts about it because they both grew up in excessively sheltered homes and was never allowed to date and Van still isn't. Van is by far the most sheltered person I've ever met in my life and so I was a bit curious what she thought of me. I asked her some questions one of which I was afraid to because it could hurt my feelings a bit but I asked anyways "how many people do you think i've had s*x with?" She said 4. That did hurt but I was the one who asked so I can't exactly complain about it. I've dated 4 people in my entie life and again 3/4 were just child age so for her to say that kind of indirectly called me a fuck-boy. I'd never date someone with a body count that high so for her to think that of me kind of sucked. Obviously after I explained that it was wrong and what not.
So as you can see I've never had a real relationship at all. I've never had a good experience in dating, never done it properly, so if I have any expectations they're extrememly low because anything is better than what I've been through. The only conditions however are just that I'm free to ask anything like who she texts, hangs out with, and if I want to have access to her social media then she will give it. To some that might sound invasive or controlling but if someone gots something to hide that is so bad I can't read it then I don't want to be involved romantically. Every single one of those 4 cheated on me several times in the relationship and I just can't stand to go through that again.
Thankfully my girlfriend loves that I am in her social media and basically forced me into her socials before I ever asked which is probably the most trusting and reassuring thing anyone has ever done for me. In the past if I even looked at their phone they'd snatch it away and I knew it was a red flag but I kind of brushed if off my shoulders hoping it wasn't anything too bad because I just wanted to be loved and belong somebody.