Dear Diary,
It’s been awhile. I’ve been in therapy for BPD and Bipolar disorder. Not surprising, my mom had both. Kids went to Billings for 9 weeks. Im glad they went. It would have been a hard time for me if they stayed. My mom died and im not quite depressed about it but I am grieving. Realized that I’m angry on the inside. All I’ve been thinking about is destruction and violence. That’s why it’s a good thing the kids are gone. I get all this alone time to work my shit out. I know exactly who I’d take my anger out on. Even mentioned that I hated her to my Bf, but that’s not true. Hating someone takes a lot of energy. But Sometimes I do hate her. I hate how she makes me feel on the inside. She knew she hurt me and Im angry about that, but for the most part I have forgiven what had happened. However, she’s the easiest target to unleash my anger out on because I still have that animosity there. I don’t want bad karma tho. I guess you can say Therapy is helping me a lot. helps me be more self aware so when I’m destructive, I can figure it out and follow my steps in learned in therapy. It still sucks, I liked it better when I didn’t know. I don’t miss it, but I miss the release. The release of getting all my anger out in a single episode. I don’t miss how I felt afterwards, I just miss letting it all out instead of working through it. Working through anger and getting to the bottom of it is hard. I’m angry on the inside because my mom died. I didn’t want to acknowledge it because it felt wrong. I felt and feel so many emotions and anger is one I pushed down and tried to pretend it wasn’t there. But tonight I’ve finally accepted that…. I am actually genuinely angry that my mom died. I wasn’t ready. Tonight I decided to finally accept that I am angry and to try and work through it before it eats me alive. I slept all weekend and it felt fucking awesome. I think I was subconsciously coming to terms with how I felt and my body relaxed and just slept it off. I feel a lot better and then today I came to the revelation about my anger. I’m sleeping better now I think? I mean I have been so far. Ugh, That’s all I look forward to these days is sleep. Everything just simply
✨ GOES AWAY ✨.