LOST

Most of my life's trauma comes because of my mom and the fun fact of it is I have spent almost all my life trying to impress her but I don't think its ever gonna be enough. You know that feeling where you wish you lost a few pounds or just looked that certain way and you'll be accepted socially. In my scenario it's not society it's my mom, I got to impress. It's so scary when you realize that the version of you your parents love is a pretend version and they actually don't know the real you, the struggles and the pain. Its sad how my parents never read a single poem of mine, how they are so unaware of my anxiety and my non-stopping suicidal thoughts and how everyday I pick myself up and work my way through these thoughts. As kids I have seen parents tell their kids how they love them unconditionally and I think I crave that so much today. I don't know if they actually will love the me I really am. It hurts cause ik the answer is no. It makes me wanna crawl out of my own skin at times, like how could I be this person, who cannot be loved? Am I really unlovable by my own parents? How could I ever expect anyone to love when my parents might choose not to. This all makes me feel like I am a disappointment to them, especially my mom. Love from her always came at a price, and for that I gotta be the perfect daughter- right weight, face, beauty and manners. What hurts is why do I have to beg for this love, why can't be loved unconditionally? There are people in my life loving me more than the usual but unfortunately they just can't compensate for the love I need from my mom. 

Sadness of it all is, how my mother is the reason behind all my problems but still she is the one I still want to please. Every time these thoughts hit me suicidal thoughts start coming back, cause I feel like she would be happier to not have me instead. 

I didn't go through my pain for years to end all this with one cut and in so much pain, and I am not gonna just that somedays its difficult to take that pledge but I still will.