Dear Diary,
I grew up in an environment much harsher than most kids so I learned how bad the world really was earlier then I was meant to. I wonder if that has turned me into the "cold" person many have said I am.
Would I be this way if the world wasn't so dark or is it just my genetics to blame for who I am?
I never realized it until I moved schools, made friends online, and started dating. I guess it was because I didn't have much of a personality early in life, most kids don't in those single digit years because they're still developing, finding out who they are, and being constantly told what to do instead of what they want. Even through middle and high school nobody ever said I was "cold" despite having a friend or two and taking dating a little more seriously than holding hands in the hallways. This all changed after freshman year for some reason.
Come sophomore year was my first day in a new school, we had to move again because my mother could no longer afford to stay in the apartment after my father left. This wasn't a big deal for me, well I guess it was but I didn't care because I wasn't the type to give a damn what people thought about me so I intended to just keep to myself and that's what I did that entire year until the very last day I was in the school that year. I had known Lois and talked to her a few times since we sat next to each other but we were never friends so I never knew what she had thought of me.
After school ended that year I started talking to her though and she was the first person outside of family to say I was cold which is more meaningful and significant because family is biased and toxic so to hear it from someone new was a bigger deal, and as time went on I was made aware of more and more things that were flawed as far as social interaction goes for me. She had a bit of a messed up life and It was hard for me to sympathize with her despite having gone through similar things if not the very thing itself. Examples of this were emotionally and physically abusive parents, the death of family, and getting in trouble with authority figures specifically cops. I've been through all 3 of those things several times over but my guess for the issue is that I didn't care as I was going through those things so I could never relate to how she felt.
Saying "I've been through that too" isn't enough if you can't sympathize with how they feel because you have to follow up with encouraging things to help with that situation and knowing someone has gone through it already isn't what they need. They need emotional support and comfort from words that can only be said by someone that has felt the same. Her parents have physically abused her and mine have abused me. I can say "mine abused me too" but the difference is that I'm not emotionally bothered by it. I have memories of being battered in the head with the metal buckles on belts by my father and being thrown through the air across entire hallways by my drugged out mother while blood poured from my busted lips but I feel no emotion from it. Obviously at the time I was a traumatized child and so frightened by my own parents that I was scared to go downstairs to find food because of what might happen to me and although it was a long time ago the memories are still there, memories that would give someone PTSD but for me they do nothing. It makes me feel like something is so wrong with me, how messed up does someone have to be to not feel anything from those memories that flash in my head everyday?
I'm simply not an emotional person, I go through life just dealing with what comes, it rarely hurts me, never scares me and I'm hardly ever worried about the consequences after. I don't carry this characteristic proudly despite its few advantages but at the same time I have felt at a few points to laugh at someone who said that they would essentially freak out and have a panic attack when I told them little things I've gone through.
The specific examples I'm thinking about is back in September of 2021, for the first I was on my way to my grandma's house and I hit a deer: I was driving probably 50-60 mph (or 80-96 kmh) and on my way around a curve I saw the deer just in time to slow down enough to not cause too much damage to my car. I slammed the breaks causing a screeching noise and hit the deer roughly at half the speed I was going so roughly 30-35 mph. When the car had fully stopped a cloud of smoke that reeked of burning rubber rose and surrounded my view. I pull the car over to the road, turned on my hazard lights and turned my car off. When I got out I first looked around for the deer but I didn't see it anywhere, then I went to the front of my car to see the damage. The metal of the right headlight (from the drivers pov) was slightly dented and the plastic of the headlight itself was broken while the light was still working. I called my mom and told her what happen because at the time I couldn't afford the repair so I'd need to borrow some money. Later on in the month I told her of how I "almost" hit a deer which was true because they are very common in my area and she said "and you didn't call me?!". I was so in shocked by her reaction because it was more dramatic then when I called her about actually hitting a deer, granted she was probably sleeping when I called and was probably still half asleep when she answered regardless still she knew what happened but seemed pretty relaxed about it. I questioned why I should have called her instead of just continuing on my way one and she proceeded to emphasize how she'd be freaking about what just happened and would need to calm down before starting again. I almost laughed because to me its literally just not a big deal. I almost hit something... like big deal? I don't know how to emphasize it in words just how stupid that sounds to me. I've had several near death [this hardly being near death] experiences in my life because I'm a rather reckless and careless person but none of them have ever given me any dramatic reaction.
The second event that September was getting a speeding ticket. I was driving 74 mph in a 45 mph zone and passed a cop somewhere that caught up to me after 20 or so seconds. I asked him bluntly if I was getting a ticket or not, he replied "yes" and gave the justification as to why. When he went back to his car to fill out some paperwork I texted my mom what happened not because I wanted to but because I was a minor at the time so she's legally required to come to court with me. She lectured me over the phone and some time later called back and apologized for being inconsiderate of how I felt although I know it wasn't her idea to call back because she wouldn't care, she never said it but I know it was my sister that brought it to moms attention that she was probably too harsh. She said she didn't think about the fact that I was probably scared because it was a state trooper and my first time getting pulled over. I told her I was fine, wasn't scared and wasn't a big deal, she replied saying she'd be freaking out if a trooper pulled her over doing 30 over the limit. This again sounds so god damn stupid to me because WHY would you be scared? The world is full of routines for different reasons. The routine with getting a ticket is: Cop pulls you over, he says "do you know how fast you were going", asks for your license, registration and proof of insurance, and then writes you a ticket based on how fast you were going given the setting it was in. Then you drive off and pay your ticket by the deadline unless you choose to fight it in court. Some readers might think "maybe she was scared because the cost" well I know that isn't the case because despite being poor, all she'd need to do is cut back on drug buying for a few days and that's only if she didn't already have a 100$ or so. There's no logical reason whatsoever and yes I know that most people don't have a logical personality but even emotion has some logic to it. Logically someone is gonna cry if their parents were close to them and died; logically you might panic if you're short on money and can't afford bills; logically you might get frustrated if you get a flat tire in the middle of nowhere on your way to work when you're already late. However there is no logic behind being afraid of getting pulled over unless you have some discriminatory phobia of police officers.
What is scary about getting a ticket, what is scary about almost hitting a deer, what is scary about talking to a cop, or any other common occurrence? Why can't I feel the same emotions other people do? Why can't I sympathize? Why can't I emotionally support someone when they need it the most?
This issue has caused so many problems in my relationships, particularly with the people closest to me. Van, the person I love and care for the most has often tried to lean on me for emotional support because of things with her parents, problems with friends, and stress from school but I don't know how to be there for her in the way that she needs the most. I logically understand what she is going through, I understand the dilemma but the solution that would work for me doesn't work for her because she doesn't care about the solution, why it happens, and what to do about it. According to what I've learned through social media girls would rather you sit and just complain about what's going on with them as opposed to helping them out on how to fix a reoccurring problem. I know I'm biased with my logical mindset but not even emotion can justify that madness.
Often in both romantic and platonic relationships the guy is always the logical one who girls get mad at for their inability to think the way they do and agree with them, so I know that billions of others have the same issue but my mind seems to take it to the extreme with sometimes being completely oblivious to how she's feeling despite apparently obvious hints. I can't see her if we aren't on call because she's a thousand miles away so can't exactly read her body language and she doesn't want to straight up tell me either. I feel backed into a corner a lot in this dilemma because anything I say can and will very likely make it worse so shutting down and just listening to her if she even wants to talk about it is all I can do.
We get into a lot of arguments because of something I did or didn't say, whether I did or didn't notice she was emotional, and if she felt ignored about I didn't give the attention I didn't know she wanted.
Yes she likes attention, yes she's needy, quite emotional, and clingy but I love all of those things about her, any guy would because affection is most guys strongest love language and all of those things fall into that category. I'm not blaming her for any of the arguments at all, the issue is me. It's common, completely normal, and expected for a girl to have those qualities however it's abnormal for someone to have the logical mindset and inability to support someone to the extreme that I do.
Over the last few days I've been thinking about it, and I have come up with a mental list of things to start practicing till its natural and to better myself in this area of life.
Validating their emotions:
One of my biggest problems in the heat of the moment is invalidating emotions, essentially saying that theirs no good reason with explanation "blah blah" to feel the way they do and hoping that my logic will change their view on it and they'll feel better. An example of this would be Van upset and disappointed at her best friend Anh for doing something that hurt another person. My logical approach would be "Damn, well Anhs her own self and her actions weren't against you so its not your problem" and she'd probably say "I guess" which is basically a hint the size of Jupiter that she doesn't agree or feel the same. Though what I said is a little more extreme in the example because I usually put a little pinch of sugar on everything I say with her so it isn't blunt but that is still the general idea.
Breaking this into parts:
1 . The biggest thing I messed up on was saying why she shouldn't be upset because (insert my reasoning). It doesn't matter why it upsets Van at the moment, the point is that she is upset about it and that makes sense to her so invalidating that it will only make her feel worse.
2. I didn't say anything whatsoever that would lift her spirits. Although like I said previously, I'd use my logic to hopefully change hers I should still be at minimum giving encouraging words to lift her spirits instead of bluntly trying to change her mind about something I'm not even informed on.
3. Not listening or caring to ask. She didn't specify what Anh did to begin with, all I know is that she's upset at Anh for "something" so asking what it was gives her room to express a little more how she feels and room for me to listen so I know a little more how to approach this and because talking it out is something that helps relax her.
4. Saying something she didn't ask for. She never asked for my opinion, a solution, or any response in general that pulls away from the fact that the message about how she feels. Everything in that moment is about her so I shouldn't be tossing my opinions in because they are uncalled for.
To be continued...