April 15, 2022

Dear Diary,

Today was a day full of work, the waves of emotions I feel all the time. I have realized throughout life that I feel too much and its quite scary when I understand its intensity. My panic and anxiety attacks are now become more than ever, with every attack I go back to my panic attack, that numb feel and being so out of control just hurt me to another level. I have never been that scared and that is the day I felt my life falling apart. It is a memory I really don't like going back to but my fears just hold me there. 

I feel like cause I feel a lot, I am scared of playing the victim sometimes, which I am not and I don't ever wanna be called a victim cause it takes a heart of steel to hurt like this and work through alone. 

My pretty boy makes me feel so full. I feel like I literally went through all that to get this guy and I just hope I don't lose myself again. This is something I look with the intentions of keeping things long term, and just wanna enjoy this. 

All my life, love meant hurt to me and now finally when it doesn't hurt world is a new and a scary place. Some new territory which is very scary as the lands here are so unknown that it makes me crave the toxic love, the one I ran away from by giving everything, literally everything that I had in me. I lost myself in the process and I really hope I don't lose myself again.