Dear Diary,
Today was work orientation day.
I am in my bed and feeling tired now. It’s currently just a few minutes behind of the midnight.
In the Morning in the train, I was listened to Beggin’ by Måneskin at almost maximum volume. Because I was going to be late for my first day of work, if there was something to happen on the rail. I was returaly begging!
The reason why I was going to be late was because I woke up just 15 minuets before the train I planed to take left the station. Non of my family tried to help even they knew today was important day to me and they are my family. I felt shocked by that. Cried little bit while I was getting ready. Yep I’m usually too sensitive due to, ya know?
My mom seems she doesn’t like me anymore. She loves me as her chilled but she doesn’t like me as a person, ya know? She is very different from me but she somehow cant really accept that deep in her mind. She knows me very well. She can forecast how I would behave and think but she doesn’t like me being depressed. Not like my dad, she have never experienced one, surprisingly. Maybe she has but at least not need-to-see-a-doctor serious. And also the depression my dad experienced was “traditional” obvious depression so she really doesn’t know neo depression. Let’s think back. I have always been depressed little bit since when I was 11. So she could have never know depressed version of me isn’t representation of actual me. She thinks like I am a helplessly lazy, very moody person that she can’t stand to live with. However she doesn’t know I have been tring my hardest to take initiative to control my emotion thingy thing. Well, as I grow, I gradually got exhausted and lose control. And here I am, unfortunately. I begun to need more and more sleep time which is becoming the more and more lazier in my mom‘s POV. How many times I tried to explain to her and make her understand about my probten! She thinks I just make a big excuse to be lazy. What she would do after my explanation is “apologize” how she had been treat me “wrongly” which always makes me doubt if she likes me not. She doesn’t even let me touch her when I need a big tight hug from her. I really hate to think like she gives me a bad affect or our relationship isnt good one. But that’s true that my dark negative energy affect her and also her negative energy reflect badly back to me and it’s not gonna work anymore. When I am doing okay she is usually okay. When I am not okay, she looks angry. And when she is angry esp. towards me, I feel sad or sometimes feel like I want to disappear. I don’t mean it’s all because of her. This is because of my health problem.
Wait what about the first day of work⁇