Dear Diary,
I have never realized how insaine I am until today. My fear of being alone has left me with this asshole that in my mind I try to feel good about. But, in the end, there is nothing good about him. When it comes down to it thou there really isnt any other good person out there anyway. People all suck. All people do is hurt one another. There is no such thing as loyalty of the truth.
The guy I have been with, had a chi,d with, is the bottom of the barrel. With all the absurd shit that he says when we fight he thinks he has a right to lay hands on me when we do. And no apology is an apology when he says shit like:
"I was just playing," when I ask him not to touch me on the bus (because I remember the black out punches, the black eyes, the head butt, the strangling) and yeah when he cant keep his hands to himself and I jam it in the bar to make sure he keeps it to himself when I ask, he punches be back in the leg, proving that he in fact, can never keep his hands to himself and that he is an abusive fuck.
Yeah like after he strangled me three weeks ago (after promsing he never would) and then called me a pussy for not fighting back (I knew with him it would be knock down drag out) I wanted him to prove even in this little way, he could control himself when I asked. And when he cant: were gonna go knock down drag out to the death and Im making sure to take him with me.
If I can give him the respect and not touch him for all his foulness and lies he can have the same for me ESPECIAILLY because of the past. Plus, he could actually show that he was in fact sorry for how disgusting he had been in the past hitting me and keep his hands to himself anytime I asked, He has no respect or love for me and that is in fact true with this act.
He will never apologize, he will never make it right. I no longer even look at him like a man anymore. You know I cant even make a fist with my right hand to fight back, Im five years older with medical problems and he punches like a brick shit house.
He doesnt ever think he has to pay for the things he does to people and that disgusts me. Because if he did he would have some respect for me now and never touch me when I ask for what he has done in the past.