Dear Diary,
Since we officially split however long ago its been pretty apparent through her affection (yet not her actions) that she still wants me.
For a while months and months ago I questioned myself whether I want her back or not as well and I came to the conclusion that whether I do or not doesn't matter because no matter how bad did or didn't want her back, I left her for a reason. The reason it doesn't matter is ultimately because I can't trust her no matter what she says or how bad I want to trust her because she hasn't changed for me even now in the few months deadline I gave her to get her stuff together so there's no way that taking her back would be a smart decision for the future. I learned my lesson and there's no going back once I really stepped back and looked at the bigger picture.
I've basically beat myself with the question "Was leaving her the right choice long term?" and at the time I hated that the answer was yes because I didn't wanna make the wrong choice, be the guy that "left", or get blamed for a damn thing that went wrong with us. Despite EVERYTHING, the cheating, the lying, secret relationships behind my back, and then even more cheating and lying she still has the audacity to tell me that we should get back together while she talks, texts, hangs out with him, was in his god damn car a couple days ago, and tells me apparently "sexual favors" are a topic among them which doesn't surprise me when a few weeks ago I found her tiktok still on my and literally I shit you not, almost every fucking message was something about sex, sexual actions, boyfriends, girl friends, etc...
Anytime any relationship or sexual type subject comes up in the 3 periods we have together, almost everything she says is basically saying I should never touch or think about a nothing girl because she doesn't like the thought of it or the real example:
me: why?
her: you know why?
"Why" is because she still wants me so it makes her jealous or hurt I guess? The funny thing is that at least once or more times a week she's says something that would make it seem like she's happy to move on. "I got a date", or the thing with Nate when she liked him but got rejected, or how about not just what I've seen with Mac, but the fact that I hear other people gossiping about Lois complaining about Mac.
My point here is that she is so bothered by the idea of me moving on, yet she hasn't not only moved on from Mac, but she hasn't shown in progress towards actually caring about a possible relationship between us.
And to Lois:
I've been in a few relationships but this is by far the most toxic and manipulative one I've experienced so far. Why am I not allowed to move on and be happy but you still can't move on from the fucker you cheated on me with, the person I saw holding your naked body in pictures while you pretended there was nothing there between you, or how about you invited me over that night when you didn't know your social media was logged into my phone and while I was excited about seeing you- you were sending nudes to MAC like for fucks sake Lois just get married when you turn 18 why don't ya. I mean its so fucking obvious you can't get over him, so much that you threw a life with me in the trash after I gave you so many chances to do better.
If you wanna be friends after highs school, sure I'll unblock you every few months and say hi but how dare you even consider the possibility of getting back together "in like 2 years" after what you did to me and are still doing. I can't see our future anymore, I see you knocked up by some bitchboy like Mac or even Mac himself and they're gonna ruin your life but ya know what, you had it coming so fucking hard because for whatever reason (no doubt a dumbass one) you just don't listen, you don't care and never learn. Karma's a bitch and you'll find that out real soon in the real world.