How To Develop Feelings

Okay, you already know how much I want to develop feelings for him, right? And, well.. with my determination to achieve that, I tried the method that seems to always be the case when I get unreasonably infatuated or attached to someone.

That method being: idealizing them.

And so I did.

And guess what?

I think it worked.

One cold evening, in my room, when I was feeling clingy and wanted to hear his voice after effectively feeling all girlish and giggly upon conducting the necessary procedure to develop artificial romantic sentiments on the target subject, I dared to call him and when he picked up and I heard him talk, I suddenly panicked.

Yes.

It felt as though the brain cells responsible for holding at least a tolerable amount of normal conversation dropped from my system and abandoned me dimwitted. In my fear of having a moment of awkward silence, I stupidly told him his voice sounded different when in actuality, it really wasn't. I only blurted it out just to have something to say. Do pardon my idiotic arse. I blanked out and it was the first thing I could think of. I'm not even sure I had time to process the thought, it just came out of my stupid mouth. So Erwin began to speak some more, as if testing the sound of his voice on a microphone, saying: "How about now? Do I sound the same?"

"Still no.. Who are you?"

"This is me. How about you? Is that even you?" he jokingly asked.

And then I hung up. Yes, just abruptly like that.

Fuck. What was I even thinking? As if I wasn't awkward enough when I had no feelings for him! His voice suddenly has an effect on me. Grr.

He actually has a really nice voice, by the way. Just the right amount of deepness, clarity and huskiness. People often compliment him about it because on top of that, he, apparently, also has a nice accent. (There are videos of him on YouTube and I've read some comments regarding it. Also how he seemingly looks like one of the hunk actors here in our country.)

His voice and accent—which is basically just standard American, wasn't at all anything special to me before. I'm not saying I suddenly find it special now, it's just… It suddenly does something to me. Maybe because I'm not used to calling him on the phone so I overthink the way he sounds.. And to me, without a vision of the face to see his expression, it somehow sounds intimidating. My over-analyzing tendency conjures its own image of how he looks while he speaks and oftentimes, the images I come up with are just the right pictures that feed my very anxiety. I'm always afraid I'm bothering him and that he looks annoyed..

Jeez. I literally had my tongue shoved in the guy's mouth and one phone call made me nervous? Hmm.. Well, I suppose I did the experiment right. When your feelings for someone start not to make sense anymore, that's when you know you're fucked.

So in a way, this is good, this is exciting. I finally have a crush on him!

On the other hand, it reduces my self-esteem and, dear lord.. increases my awkwardness even more. I can't really sincerely complain, though. I asked for this.

Another instance.. I asked him whether he was alone. It took him quite a while to respond and when he did, his answer was: "Why?"

"Oh, nothing. I just wanted to call."

"Go ahead, call. Haha."

My reply was: "I'm with people now. Hahaha."

Boy, I really wasn't. I was still alone. But I suddenly got shy and self-conscious and cowardly. Out of nowhere, I was reminded how he's such a sophisticated and successful man and that when he talks, you can hear the intelligence in his voice. I know that's mainly the result of my idealization but they're also true. More or less. I just didn't put too much mind into it before.

Sometimes, the illusion falters and I find myself being reminded how he's not my type at all.. I mean, don't get me wrong. He is attractive, I've been saying that here. It's just.. his attractiveness is the kind of attractive I usually don't get attracted to.. And aside from that, we also have a very different lifestyle. Not to mention personality, maturity, interests.. Altogether, we literally have almost nothing in common except that we love having sex with each other.. That's all.

Tss..

He's planning to buy another car, by the way. And guess where? Just near my residence. So near that I can walk it in five or ten minutes. I wonder if he chose that area on purpose…

Ooh, this is exhilarating! Perhaps we can christen it by a form of coition… Hahaha. I've never had sex in a car before.

Anyway, he asked if I wanted to come along and my dramatic mind, as usual, immediately began running wild and was already thrilled at the thought of us breaking up and every time he'd be riding his new baby, it would remind him of me and the time we picked it together.

Okay, maybe I won't have a say on what he picks—I know nothing about cars after all—but, you know, just the idea that the vehicle would be associated with me because I was there when he bought it, because I was the first girl he kissed there (and hopefully fucked, too).. and then he'd be filled with melancholic sadness and joy as the nostalgia of the memories and adventures we had together slowly start to creep in… It might be quite assumptious of me to even think my absence would cause such bleakness on him, but.. Ah. What a beautiful, beautiful, sweet sorrow. Is it weird that these gloomy fancies bring pleasure to the alternate universe I created in my head? Haha. I don't even think we'd last that long to get to that point. LOL.

Gosh, even a rupture, I still idealize and turn into something cinematic. Sigh..