Dear Diary,
Most days I go to class looking like a trash bag. I roll out of bed, splash some water on myself, wear whatever I see on top of the cloth pile ( it's usually a very baggy mens tshirt) and run to class. Well, that's always been my style. Today I decided to treat myself after a long hard day of work. Decided to get boba and chat. A cute date to self.
Showered, put on some nice clothes, fixed my hair, did some light make up. I looked myself in the mirror and thought, hmm, I dont look bad, maybe I should try this more often. I felt good about myself. I walked out and was walking on Shattuck, and I thought people smiled more. An old lady asked me for help with directions and she was so thankful after that. I did find myself being observed more. It's true what psychologists say. People attach worth to your looks. The feminists want the world to work the other way, but it often doesn't happen like that.
Anyway i was sitting in front of sproul hall, sipping my boba. 2 black dudes passed by me. Couple minutes later, they came back. One of them sat on the other side of the bench and started singing to me. Something like, you're pretty, i like you, will you go out with me...The creepy part was the other dude just standing in front of us, grinning and videotapping the whole thing. Without my permission.
I thought the dude singing was funny in a very weird way. But i was very uncomfortable with being taped. What makes them think they can just walk up to someone and start taping them? And why did it take me so long to say no to being taped? the song must have been a ploy to keep me distracted? As he finished, I said, I'm not comfortable being taped. They said, "We respect that", and left.
Maybe for them it was just a prank, they probably didnt mean to offend, it was just some fun. But for me, it wasnt. I didnt feel so bad, because well we were in broad daylight and there were people around. Just an unusual, slightly amusing experience. But maybe it would not have felt the same if it was dark and there were fewer people around.
Why does it have to be this way? Why do women have to feel ashamed of dressing up? Why do I feel the instinct to blame myself for it?
I wont. IT'S NOT MY FAULT. I had my share of boy-ish phase of walking around in baggy clothes, trying to dress 'appropriate', because I grew up thinking my femininity was something to be ashamed of. Wearing fitting clothes was bad. My parents would dress me up in loose clothes and call me pretty.You wanted to keep people's attention on your face. And if their gaze wandered away, it was YOUR fault.
I no longer feel so. It's my body, my choice. It's people's attitude and values that determines how they behave with someone, irrespective of how a woman is dressed in front of them. Be it a man or a woman.
I dont know what to think about those dudes. It was a prank. But hopefully, next time they'll ask for permission before filming someone.
Later,
M