Dear Diary,
Some days are gonna feel heavier than the rest and yet the show must go on.
To constantly feel you are put through a test
Wondering why me, where did I go wrong.
These lines I have copied from somewhere but felt relatable to my situation.
I don't even remember when I last wrote here but I wanted to write since many days.
A lot of things are going right now in my life, ahhh actually in my mind, life is going no where, it has just stucked at a point and directionless.
Like I said before my father is searching a boy for me, so he showed me many profiles but I could not figure out whether anyone is my kind of person. Then, there comes Shikhar, intially I felt what is this he and me with almost same names 😂 but now I like it, we got connected so easily and effortlessly. I really like him and so does he, like he is the person with whom I think I can share my life with, like till now although it's been only 5-6 weeks we are talking but I have been through many emotions, different mental states, etc but he is constant with me, like he never ghosted till now, not bored from me and many more reasons to like him. Yup he is not that good looking or fit but these stuffs were never my parameter. Although he didn't even fit in many check boxes I made but I don't care really now because I like him, his family likes me too. But but but now the real problem begins, as my family now is not that much interested in this proposal as now they are considering that I will be very far away from them as he is well settled in Australia, and they can't afford to come and visit me, he and his parents told me that I can visit my parents anytime and yes they are rich too so they don't have any such financial issues. But initially my parents liked it but now when I said like I like him they are not so happy and want me to explore more, and I feel so helpless and stuck now because like we are really attached to each other because we bonded so quickly and things were almost in our favour but I feel like my parents are even not considering it as things are not so feasible for my parents.
I cried a lot over it but I can't fight with my parents.
I have reduced calling at home coz I feel that I get disturbed by talking on the same topics daily.
Apart from this I have successfully learnt driving, I will apply for the lisence too as soon as I get money for the work I am doing.
I was doing some unpaid internships so he asked me that why are you being a free labour and offered me a job as he has lot of pending works in his business and less human resource, so I accepted it. The thing I liked about him is that he didn't made me feel bad about not having a job instead he supported me and motivated me, he even told me that he can guide me to start my own agencies if I want to etc, but Idk what the future is, so I don't want to get into things which can affect in near future. Although if things doesn't go in our favour, detachment is going to be very difficult but I want to be with him coz I liked him as a person very much.
Along with these, I had a normal conversation with my papa but today I felt that my father is unhappy with me for me being a failure in competitive exams for govt jobs, although it was a minute conversation but I felt like he is kind of ashamed to telling everyone that I am jobless or I am like overweight and I have a scar too, I felt like he is disappointed.
It's just that I want to work but I don't want to do any random job or the jobs in which I get paid very little and I have to work like a labour, I am kind of choosy, either I want officer rank jobs for which I am trying but what can I do if I clear prelims but failing by some marks in mains, I know I am not preparing, I only practice some days before exam but I don't feel like studying all the time now. I will apply for more freelancing kind of jobs.
That's all. This time I am so disturbed from 17/03/22 as nothing is happening according to me. Like almost everyday is sad and crying over things but today I told myself I will not let things overpower me, I am unhappy because my parents are not even considering on my choice and sending me the biodata and pictures of such boys whom I will never consider, they are just not my type and truly I don't know what is my type but definitely they are not, my father is not understanding my choices, I want simple and sophisticated people, not very loud, hippy kind of, people with open mindset, etc and apart from that this time this menstrual cycle is also torturing me like it has done never before.
I hope things go well and ofcourse in my favour, this time I want what I want, I mean I can't hurt my parents ofcourse but I hope they get along.
Okay diary, good night, I have some work to finish.
Bbye :)