Dear Diary, I dont feel great. Even though I'm not completely miserable, somehow it feels even worse. It just feels kinda hopeless and I dont even have the catharsis of crying.
On thursday I went to the barber. At first my hair looked pretty good, but now I dont like it. Without the special way the barber dryed it or whatever it just looks too long in the middle. I just cut it myself again, so maybe I ruined it even more. We will see. It's just my hairlines fault. It didnt even change that much the last 3 years but somehow I feel like it looks worse now. Maybe it's a projection of my inner insecurities. Or the barber just sucked because the cut is not good for everyday life. I dont know.
Knights Birthday went well, but I felt just as awkward as in my worst days. I'm just the silent and stiff guy who cant get comfortable with a group he mostly doesnt know, cant smile much, cant make jokes. I feel so stupid for ever even thknking that Knight could be interested in me. With someone like me nobody can develop any chemistry. I'm a loser with boring obscure interests.Like who cares what anime I just watched?
The group met again yesterday because a friend of Knight wanted to go to a fleamarket. Afterwards Knight and I were alone for waiting for the train for a while. She tried her best doing smalltalk and I tried my best too. But it didnt work because when she asked me about what I watched or sth or what I would do I just thought of boring stuff or kept ranting on about uninmportant details of the show I watched. (Legend of the Galactic heroes) I tried asking her stuff too, but she didnt have much to say either.
The movie (The Batman) was pretty good. Great cinematography with a decent super hero story. Robert Pattinson was a bit too emo for my taste though. Afterwards we went to a korean BBQ which was super delicious. The fleamarket was not that great. The others decided we should walk there. It was alright with me but they did not expect it to be such a long walk. And the market itself was just some cheap stuff. Jewelery and old clothes.
Thanhs best friend had a new boyfriend. It's shitty but that is probably one of the reasons why I started to feel down. She had a great relationshio before that. And now she has another one. It's so easy for girls like her. Her ex was older than he older than her, this one is her age. He seemed nice, pretty charismatic. A normal dude, unlike me. I think he was a bit selfconcious about me being taller than him though. He really doesnt have to be, he is clearly much better at relationships than me. It just sucks so much being a guy like me.
Oh and one of the other girls said after the movie that she thought Batman was an Incel. Because he didnt get together with catwoman at the end and was broody I guess. Or maybe I understood her wrong and she meant Riddler? Anyway I hat it when people lump together lonely dudes with that horrible incel thinking. You literally can not say anything about what sucks about being a guy without people calling you that. And now the super handsome batman is an incel too I guess. great.
I just wish that the girls who fit guys like me actually existed. Just some reclusive girl from the neighborhood who is also way too into anime and doesnt get much attention either. That would be so great. We could hang out and hug and actually understand and appreciate each other.
I used to think they existed but apparently not. And if they did they probably wouldnt actually be into me either. They would still have so many better options.