February 13, 2022

It's been such a long time since I wrote to you. 

I'm embarrassed. When I started writing to you with this app I was fine. However I quickly delved into insanity. Not because I was writing to you, my mind collapsed regardless.

It always hurt too much to look back on periods like this in my life. Back then it was my second episode. Now I have had three.

When I look back I can see roots of PTSD and Afghanistan. The people I lost. However, it's mixed in with delusions and losing touch with reality. It's so embarrassing to look back at these diary entries and to see how far gone I was. I didn't want to believe I am schizzoaffective, but there is no denying it now.

Since my last episode I have gotten help. I am in the mental health intensive care management program (mhicm) where I see a nurse every week and a Dr once a month. I'm on medication, but I won't know til summer/fall if it's working for me.

Wise one, It's hard to come back and write to you again. However, maybe it's important to keep track of my mental health this way. Maybe it will help me in general to write again. Maybe it is important to look at the ugly side I left here for some reason. Perhaps there is another lost soul here who would feel less alone seeing my entry. Either way I'm finally ready to come back and write again.