Dear Diary,
I've never experienced what it was like being in a relationship in real life. For a first-timer I can never know if this is the best for me or not. I never know what's going in his head and it's hard.
If the definition of loving is to make compromises then this must be it. To feel empty without the other, or to feel like I'm barely functioning without. This must be it, I cannot comprehend how it feels, there's a voice inside me saying "it's killing me" over and over again, I do not know if it's missing his presence that does or just needing him too much and not having him here is.
I can never be calm without the assurance that he'll come back. We've been having a rough time recently and I am just hoping and praying he doesn't leave. Letting go should be the best thing and the easiest way out, but I don't want to. I don't want to let him go. Not right now or maybe not ever. I've been gripping on him too much and I know he doesn't like that. I don't know why I do that exactly. It wasn't like I intend on doing that, I just want to be involved more, I want him to open up about his days more. He says he'll tell me but you know.
I want to re-learn how to shift my focus on myself as I know he's currently not in the space to be giving more. But it's hard functioning without him. I have to know he's there behind me or beside me. I can't call him when I need him, I can easily be blocked out like that. I've been disappointed in him for quite some time but I let it slip because well, I choose him, flaws and all. There hasn't been a lot of time for us to bond together and I think that sucks.
I don't want to lose him all together. No matter what it takes, I don't want to. If there's any compromise that I can do on my end I'm willing to do it.
l