Do I Love Him? | February 08, 2022

 

Dear Diary,


Why am I having these thoughts...again. My boyfriend is supposed to be someone I care and love right? Ahhh right, we don't believe in love. It's funny. That started off as just a way for me to suppress my feelings. A way to protect myself from not getting hurt. If I express that "love is dead", I can stop myself from getting attached to someone. I could also make it seem like my heart was closed off. I didn't believe that if you keep saying it, it actually becomes real. 


Here I am, 11:11pm (ha make a wish) with him laying besides me in our apartment. My boyfriend...who I don't love. I can't see it. I don't feel it. Did I settle? Am I just keeping him here for the relationship title? After all we've been through. Really, if only you knew all that we've been through. We both express the same mindset in regards to love. We both don't believe in it anymore. One heartbreak will do that for ya. Though I don't know if he actually believes it. His sister told me many times how he's expressed to her that he loves me. I can only speak for myself though. 


There was a time where I thought I loved him, but that's long in the past. I care for him. I do. Genuinely. I want him to succeed. Honestly. I love to support him with everything he does. Truly. But do I love him. Yea, I don't even know what that is. 

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