Someone asked me why I feel the need to be perfect a few days ago. Ever since then it's been stuck in my head, and I've been stuck contemplating it. I think I've finally figured out my answer though.
I look at other people and see how amazing they are. Everyone likes them, they have good grades effortlessly, they're stunningly gorgeous and thin, they pop out babies like nature intended.... and then here I am. I feel as though I have to put so much effort into things that others achieve effortlessly. I'm mean and have venom in my voice, I have to stay up studying all night for that "A" on the test, I can't lose weight to save my life, definitely can't have babies. I'm the opposite of everything I aspire to be. So, if I feel like this, why on earth do I have such a wonderful life?
I have a husband who is so supportive of me it's unbelievable, who loves me and cares for and about me. I have a beautiful home with gorgeous decor and vibes that instantly relax me. I have a new amazing circle of close friends that actually want to be there for me the way I try to be there for them. I finished my master's degree #1 in my class, on time, and received the Bud Mullen Award. I got a job in a place I enjoy that isn't too stressful, doesn't make me work at home, and pays me well. My life has (almost) everything I could ask for. Everything except a child, anyway.
But I have all of these things and cannot understand why. I feel like the amount of work that I put forth to achieve these things is not enough to deserve to have them. I cheated on my husband- why on earth is he still so supportive and loving? I don't retain anything that I learned in grad school- why did I graduate first in class and get that dumb award? I don't do shit at my job and barely even know what I'm doing with my patients- why do people keep saying I'm a good clinician? I bought the first house I looked at and was amazed I even qualified- how did I even qualify and why do I deserve such a beautiful home? I don't. At least I feel like I don't. I'm not truly deserving of any of these things.
So, to remedy that, I spend my days striving to do everything right. Eat the right foods, look the right way, dress in the right clothes, say the right things, stand straighter, walk smoother, get thinner, be prettier, just be perfect. Do everything I can be to be perfect. Because maybe if I'm perfect enough, I'll feel like I deserve some of these things I've already been given.
You know what the worst thing about all of this is, though? It's that the universe has given me so many things that I don't deserve that as a sick joke that it won't give me the one thing I do want. I got the house, the job, the education, the looks, the friends, the marriage.... and because I got all of that, I will never have a baby. I don't deserve all of the other things- so why on earth would I be afforded the privilege of having a child? I can't be good enough for my life so I'm never going to amount to being good enough for a baby. But in my mind, if I can continue to strive to be perfect- if I can actually ACHIEVE being perfect, then maybe there's a chance. If I do everything right and make no mistakes, maybe the universe will change its mind and let me have a child.