so I've been seeing manifestations scripting things and I really want to try it out. First I will manifest myself and my family to be happy beautiful and healthy. I scripted last night after gaining so much courage and they said vid that I have to let go and increase my vibrations but after writing that I was feeling so low to the point of hating how I look and crying and not being happy. I don't get it this moment I am really depressed crying over how I look and another moment I listen to Nicki Minaj and feel like I'm the most beautiful and sassy person in the world???
anyways the point is I want to obviously manifest my bf/husband too but the thing is I started seeing tarot reading on yt obviously that's not related to me directly cuz she is reading for the thousands of ppl watching her video but I saw one in which she said might suffer from a d3@th of partner I quit that video right then and there but that thing is stuck in my mind. I just want a guy who'll love me like my how my father does and yeah I don't want many rltnships I don't want my first rltn to fail. But sometimes I also think that it's fine many ppl get heartbroken daily I should not give importance to a guy this much but I don't think I will be able to do that once I love and open up to someone no one knows about all these things except this diary lol.
secondly a tv shows started all before this which I used to watch with my grandma bcuz I didn't have anything to do at that time that's why. and that's story is about like how a guy has been cH3@t!ng on his innocent wife since like for 25 years and then d!v0rc3d and all still he doesn't respect her and all. I stopped watching any kind of movie of things like that only marvel or dinosaur movie nothing else but last night my nose was stuffy I woke up at 2 am did things to unclog my nose and tried to sleep but again things like boys always ch3@t what if what if things were coming to my mind also I saw that tv shows scenes in my dream tch I am so frustrated I don't want to think like that I just want to be normal I asked for friends in that manifestation last night I hope I get good friends whom my parents will trust and lemme go out. they don't lemme go out then ask why are you sitting at home all day like what kind of question is this?
Anyways rn I just want to be happy cuz ik I'm getting what most of the kids don't get from their parents sure they don't lemme go out and I hate that but if they did I don't have anyone to go out with too (-_-). they buy me everything I want and my mom just gave me money rn none of my cousins get monthly money... I'm weirdly lucky.
I don't know how to be happy I feel like if I make friends get to go out with them and get at least 3-4 shades lighter than my skin color then I will become happy I wanted to do a skin whitening thing when I grow up but suddenly things like it's dangerous and all are showing up on yt reccom. Other people also did that but when I want to, it suddenly became dangerous. sometimes I cry till my nose get blocked and I am having difficulty gulping but then the next moment I'm listening to songs feeling like I'm in Grammys most successful and beautiful girl artist for whom ppl die for........ I want to get rid of all things and start my life freshly I don't want negative thoughts which is like most of the time in my mind and also I want to live in reality ik the imagination gives happiness but when I get out from there I feel like 1000x sad
anyways rn goal is to be happy and about bf/husband thing I will not write about it until I raise my vibration and become a positive person because I don't want to manifest when I'm literally like half depressed half fake happy type idk.