I'm very confused, upset, depressed, and most importantly losing confidence in myself. I just have this gut feeling that Peru manipulates me by asking me random questions or changing her mind constantly about everything. She stated many times she doesn't manipulate me and I don't really have any proof. If anything it is my own fault because I let her read these things and I answer her honestly with every question or randomness she states. I had to ask her if I could go ghost for a day or two to think about this shit, but it might take longer. Idk I'm lost and I don't know if I can trust her. She may be telling the truth and does want to come to America after a year, but I just don't fucking know... I feel like I was using what I thought were her manipulation against her and I felt like such a dick. Idk if Peru doesn't understand mental health or she thinks I'm lying because my thoughts are different compared to how I act. If you meet me in person, you probably wouldn't know I have depression. That's a common trait of a depressed person. Anyways... idk what to do and I want to figure it out, but I can't think straight. Idk what the fuck it is. I feel like I blame Peru for everything and that is very uncharacteristic of me as I usually put the blame on myself and rightfully so. I want to choose my life partner carefully and I put so much pressure in the future that I completely ignore the present. I like to be methodical and know what steps I need to take to get what u want and dating is absolutely nothing like that. Peru always says I want everything my way and she is correct, but I swear I would take a step back if we were actually in the same Country. Maybe that's why I'm so controlling because I know I want a family, I know I want to see the girl I'm dating everyday physically (not virtually), and I know I want someone who is stronger than me emotionally and physically. Peru could be all of those things, but we disagree on family on a lot of aspects and the distance is not going to be resolved anytime soon. I really think I'm leaning towards being just friends with her, but that isn't going to accomplish shit for me. That's fucking terrible to say and I hate I think that way, but I have friends that support me and I guess I don't want Peru to just be my friend if I have feelings for her. I don't want to be reminded that she is there every fucking day and I know she would want to text me everyday and I would ghost her on purpose. That's fucked up and I hate it, but I would. I'm not looking for friendship. Peru always states we should build that first. I don't see how we are not friends. We've been texting each other everyday for 6 months straight. I have no idea what to do or if ghosting her for these next couple of days is going to work for me, but we shall see I suppose. I already self-inflicted myself with so much hurt because all I do is think and think and think about scenarios in which this works, scenarios in which I get hurt, and scenarios in which I piss her off for being myself. I truly care about her, but I am selfish enough to protect myself at all times. Idk how to handle this situation at all and I'm losing my fucking mind. I'm incapable of calming down and I shut everyone out of my life to continue crippling myself with thoughts and loneliness. Writing this shit down helps, but usually I think of ways in which I can resolve the problem and all I see is a scrambled mess today. I hope I figure everything out and I don't hurt Peru, I don't get hurt, and I can continue being my confident and arrogant self after I find my solution.
-DrAW