I haven't wrote in a while because everything has been going good in my life and with Peru. I take that back. My hiatal hernia surgery isn't scheduled until March 10 and I've been in pain for quite a while. I can't work out, I can't bend over, I can't even put on fucking socks. I have to pee every hour and I just don't have the quality of life I had without this shit. I'm frustrated and scared. Honestly, I can deal with that, but of course I'm writing today because of Peru. It's nothing she did and there's nothing I can do. The situation as a whole is fucking terrible. I'm sad, angry, frustrated, and I don't know what to do. We both want to be exclusive, but I can't trust myself to not take advantage of that perk and still see other girls since she is in Peru. I have absolutely no desire whatsoever to do that to Peru. It would be easy for me to appease her wishes and commit to being her boyfriend. Trust me, I really want to. I truly believe we would work out if there wasn't fucking distance between us. I don't believe Peru believes me and I don't blame her. She really has all the characteristics and traits I look for in a girl, but I can't fucking take the long distance situation. I'm emotionally and mentally weak. I suffer from depression and I really don't know if I could recover from Peru if she chose to end things or met someone better than me. I'm not confident in controlling my depression for the rest of my life. That sounds fucking terrible to state, but I'm always realistic in my abilities. Anyways, Peru wants a commitment and I want to commit to being in a long distance relationship, but I'm honestly afraid. I don't believe in one and only. That shit is a farce. There are 7 billion plus people in this world and you're telling me there is only one person for me? Get the fuck out of here... I'm afraid of meeting another girl in America that has the same traits and characteristics as Peru. I want to start a family. One of the biggest reasons I want to start a family is because I don't believe I'm going to live past 60 and I want my kids to grow old with me. That's so important to me because my dad died when I was 16. Honestly, we didn't get along that well, but I can imagine at some point we would have had a great relationship. I know he's proud of me now, but he didn't get to witness what I have become. Back to the issue at hand and why I am writing tonight... Peru wants a commitment, but she wouldn't be able to move to America for a full year. I can't wait that long. I already get depressed that I can only text this girl. I understand her point that we both need to work hard to be with each other. She is so fucking strong and can go on trips and not be home. My anxiety flares like a motherfucker and I can't think about anything but being home. I seriously cried today and am currently tearing up as I write this because I really don't want to lose Peru. I want to find out if what I believe (if the distance was eliminated) is in fact the killer of this relationship. I have a gut feeling that is the reason, but I am fucking scared of feeling what I felt for Gordita (Nickname of the girl I fell in love with surprisingly and embarrassingly fast last year) with Peru. So many things could go wrong. I'm afraid I would be the fuck up in the relationship compared to Peru. I want to trust myself, but I can't and the last thing I want to do is hurt Peru. I think Peru believes I am blowing smoke up her ass and telling her what she wants to hear or being demanding because I want everything my way. In a way she is correct, but I just need to be selfish to protect myself. That sounds like a cop out or something a selfish person would say, but it's the fucking truth. I don't want to have someone I probably love not near me. I am going to unintentionally put a strain on our exclusive relationship because I will be depressed and will be frustrated. I want her near me. I want to see her fucking gorgeous self every fucking day. I want to go to dinner with her. I want to take her dancing and sing karaoke with her. I want to have fucking sex with her. I want to hang out with her morning until night and be in her presence at all times. I want to fucking cuddle with her and just listen to her voice and stare into her beautiful eyes. The other option is just to be friends, but I will definitely get jealous of the guys she will see. She can get anyone she fucking wants. I'm surprised she's 27 and not in a relationship. I don't know if she doesn't understand how fucking gorgeous she is (that will get her enough guys on its own) but her strong will and unbelievable way she can make you feel and think are the best traits she possesses. She is not perfect, but nobody is. Idk what else to say and I have a huge decision to make. It looks like there are 3 options. Suck it up and wait the 1 year for a small chance she comes to my country to be with me, suck it up and be friends with her even though I know I will still probably lose her because another dude will surely steal her heart, or stop talking to her before I really fuck up my emotional and mental capacity since she will not be able to come to my Country for at least a year... I don't know what to do and I'm crying. I don't know what to do and I'm frustrated. I don't know what to do and I just want everything to work out...
-DrAW