January 14, 2022


Dear Diary, I'm so upset at my mom. I really don't know how I have wronged her to deserve being treated like this.

It started a week ago on friday. No actually it started before, because we agreed on a plan to clean our flat. If you remember she wanted to clean a lot because our landlord said this handyman guy will come to let air out of our heaters. So we agreed that we would do most stuff this week together and I would clean my room now on the weekend because otherwise it would get messy again (not that my room is that messy) What was the problem with this plan? I should have known that she never communicates with me.

Last friday I went to friend. When I come back I see that she was in my room, moved a bunch of stuff around and most importantly the ropes I bought back when I was going to that BDSM meeting were gone plus the box of my switch that I kept. But the ropes was what made me really angry. She just comes in my room and takes stuff that is pretty intimate for me and puts it somewhere else. Usualy she never does this, but this cleaning thing has made her super anxious. When I came home at night I was really mad, but the next day when I talked to her I was very calm. I just told her that I thought it wasnt ok for her to go in my room and take stuff she doesnt know what it means to me. And she did it even though she agreed that I would clean my room myself. It turned out she put the ropes and the boxes in a garbage bag in the cellar and that she did because she thought they were "safe" there. Yeah sure. Its not like I will probably ever use these ropes but they still mean something to me, because they signify to me that I am my own person with my own interests who can have stuff like that. And to have that put into a gagbage bag is very degrading.

She was surprised by me bringing this up and apologized immediately. I was very reliefed that this didnt become sth big and accepted her apology and moved on to talk about sth. else. But 10 minutes later, she suddenly says that I "still have a strange look in my face and she didnt believe that I wasnt still angry". Well yeah it had been literally just 10 minutes and that made me have some big emotions. So I said that and that I am much less resentful than her who literally doesnt talk to me for several weeks without ever telling me  what is wrong. When I dont feel well I always say whats going on and I'm never mad for more than 2 days or sth.

After that she said that the situation had changed. She spoke to the landlord again and he said that the guy wouldnt have to come in here and we would just have to turn up all our heaters for him to let the air out at the top of the house. She wasnt sure though if that was the whole truth and afraid that he would still suddenly come in here. So I said that we should clean a bit after all so she had peace of mind.

 At first I thought everything would be fine after that talk. But she literally started the thing I was just talking about: The silent treatment. I asked her what was wrong and she just said "nothing" even though there was clearly something up. This was so unfair. I was the one who had a reason to be angry, but I stayed really calm. I dont even care about if that guy sees our flat in some disarray or not. She is the one who is freaking out about it and I agreed to help. And as thanks she started this bullshit.This continued this whole week until today when I finally (kind of) understood what was going on.

Like I said I was going out on a walk today with that girl I was talking about. Also that friend that gave the party a few months ago asked me to help her move some of the heavier furniture for her move tomorrow. So I came home today, cooked and afterwards told my mom that I would help with the move. And then she asked sarcastically why I helped someone else and not her. And why I would be gone again tomorrow. And it turned out that she cleaned again today and didnt tell me again. It wasnt my room it was other stuff. And she blamed me for not taking the initiative this week to clean stuff on my own. I was shocked and said that she never asked me to do anything even though I was here the whole week. Her answer was that she doesnt want to tell me since it feels to her like she has to make me do stuff and it makes her feel stupid. But literally all she needed to do was to aske me to say sth. like "Hey can you vacuum this room and behind the couch" I would have done even without her help, I really dont care. But if she doesnt say sth I assume she wants to clean on a different day. She expects me to do this stuff on my own even if I'm not the one who actually wants it done. So its true that I didnt do anything for cleaning this week  even thougj we agreed to that. But is that really my fault? Am I the asshole here? Should I just have assumed what she wants to have done and done it on my own randomly?

And the worst thing of all is that she framed it like its a problem with my whole life. Like I am a person without any initiative in my life and I am a failure because I dont magically know what she wants me to do around here. I totally understand that she doesnt want to do all of it on her own. But what is so bad about talking about it. She could even say: "Hey I want you to vacuum every monday" Maybe I should just do that. I have no idea if that is actually something that is need but I will just do it. Maybe I should randomly put some dirty clothes in the washing mashine too and turn it on? No idea if that is the right time for it or if those are supposed to go together but hey, at least I will show initiative.

I have asked her to say what she wants from me with these things so many times, but she always just says that she wants me to do them on my own without any guidance. I really wouldnt mind doing them. I just want a bit of communication to set me on the right path.

I hate it when she makes me feel so useless and like my life is all wrong. But at least I have a plan now. She will not like me doing stuff wrong, but it wont be my fault.

Hope you had a better day.