I used to have a friend. He was kind and caring, selfless and much like me, if I were to admit. He loved adventuring and paranormal and had a sense of humor one could only describe as unique. He would post memes on his Instagram almost everyday, some more funny and stupider than the next. I still remember how I met him, although that memory is probably long gone from his mind as well as me. I haven't talked to him in about a year and it's crazy to think a year has gone by with all me wanting to do is talk to him. To apologize for fucking everything up and to get closure, is that's what I need. I texted him one day about a year ago a question I knew would be the last. A stupid question, really. I honestly hadn't expected him to answer. It was what his favorite book genre was. I loved and still love to write, so I just wanted to know. I just wish it wasn't the last question I decided to ask him, despite how many I had swirling through my head. Last time I checked, he had a girlfriend. I stopped going on Instagram about a few months ago. Whether they are still together, I don't know. And frankly, I don't want to know. I've spent too many nights trying to come up with something to say to him that will not make him hate me any more than he does. I asked him if he did once. He said he could never hate a person like me. Like what exactly? A screwup? The "nice girl"? A psycho? Yeah, I had a lot of conversations in my head because of all this. I probably should have gotten closure. Damn me. But, it's not like I can text him and be like "hey, just wanted to say..." and all that. It's been a year! He'd think I was this crazy bitch that's been thinking about him for a year. In some cases, I am. Another reason I don't want to talk to him right there. I'm fucked up. He doesn't need and probably doesn't want a crazy bitch for a friend. And now, I'm just rambling how much this situation sucks instead of how I wanted it to sound. I don't really care anymore. Maybe I should just let mother take my phone away so I don't have to worry about me fucking things up with anyone else. I already know I'm good at that. Ugh, fuck relationships. All they do is screw you up in the mind.