Dear Diary,
Gandhi got married. I always thought that he probably won't. But i think i was just thinking of the world to be like me. He had girlfriends before and he decided to marry when he thought he was ready and he met her and decided to gave his all.
I used to think i am like gandhi, but i think he is muchhh much better than i am. (I know i cannot compare, but in the sense of living life, i think he knows what he is doing, and i don't).
The function was grand, resort in udaipur. I loved the hotel, the architecture was so much old European style. The rooms were sooo pretty, lights were perfect, bathroom had a telephone 😀. Shower so perfect.
Food was ok, i couldn't eat much.
Guys came, we drank and bhuaned all the time. Chirag made rumalis for everyone. During barat, dawrani said we wont let the barat go forward and we danced, a lot. 😀
Gandhi, looked very confident, very happy. I like gandhi, really, like he is dude, he knows what he is doing and takes right, planned decisions. He is never very confused lkke me. He did dance very well.
At the time of varmala, i (i think probably everyone would have) wished to get married. For few moments everyone werejust looking at it, very mesmerizing.
Now, i am flying back to Hyderabad. And with questions.
Will i ever get married? I know i want to. But i don't know with who.
As time pass by, year by year, i feel a deeper fear, but i can save the (ranting) for another day.
What keeps relationships alive and is it something i can desire and have?
I saw gandhi, he was very confident.
In the bus, i saw another young couple, and it wasn't a good couple, the girl was very irritating, and was seeing it as her way of love.
Sometimes i wish, i had someone who would care about me, as in what's going on in my life, or am i ok or not.
But i also don't want it to feel like a task, you know. Like the other person is doing it because she read it somewhere as a tip on how to keep relationship alive.
Thing is, the care and attention can soon feel like burden and this efforts based love creates unrealistic expectations and sadness.
I saw another couple on the airport, old people, boh have grey hairs, short. Man was watching his smart doorbell recordings and the woman was reading a book (some part of game of thrones). She was eating from a pack of biscuits and asked thr man if he wanted.
I felt it was soo natural. Later i saw them talking and i felt that they both must be content individually and yet care about each other. Without efforts. That's what I want in life.
I wished the couple would sit besides me in the plane and i would ask the man, what is the thing that keeps a relationship alive.
After meeting pratyush, i felt again, i am not being practical in life at all. I dont have plan for buying a house, nor have i ever thought of retirement corpus. I don't even know for sure, what kind of work i want to do going forward. All i have are fanatasies. A perefwoman i'll marrry who will live so happy with oir kids in a dreamland where i'll be pouring coffee to strangers with love in my heart and somehow i'll die very peacefully and healthily without any disease. Unlike others i'll be very content in my old age and always smiling with a wisdom face. As much as i would like to imaine it, i know it's not real going by my current situation and behaviour.
I realize it thati keep talking worrysome and about all seemingly negative things. But you are my only resort. I don't think anyone else would want to listen to me talking like this, but this is me, real, honest.
Anyway, just thinking about it wont solve anything. I have to do something. And first thing should be to keep myself healthy. I ate just soooo much junk in the last week. I have to do more exercise and meditation now.
Ok. Later!