Dear Diary,
I asked myself earlier while travelling home, imagining how it would be if the vehicle I was riding would crash to another one.
I've never had an existential crisis this deep before.
"if i were to die today or right now, would I regret anything?", for the first time, in my head I replied, no I wouldnt. It's been a hard life but I can clearly say that everyone in my circle vouch for me to be at my best. Then I remember that one uncle who may or may not tolerate me because he could possibly take advantage of me for money, but then I remember it's not that bad.
Before riding the vehicle I've been having a great day and having a good laugh with a co-worker. It's our first day working on-site after starting the job in a work-at-home setup. It was a blast. However while I was walking towards the elevator alone after my shift, I had this heavy feeling and I asked myself why. I figured I wasn't used to laughing. That certain type of genuine laugh. It felt terrible. I knew I wasn't supposed to be happy. Happiness is temporary, it's been in my system, this thought and knowing that life isn't something you're supposed to be happy about. If life is supposed to be happy all the time then that's not really living. Then I asked myself again, "I can only feel happiness only when I'm living anyway, so how does that work?"
I did a lot in a short span of time. I've visited my cousin while at work which rarely happens. I enjoyed the company of a co-worker which also rarely happens. I've been in a conversation with a loved one the other day, whom I never talked to in about a year now. In my mind I knew I was already going to die before I got home. Had I died on that street in a car crash, that would've been the best time to die knowing that for the first time, I told myself I wasn't regretting anything.