Dear Diary,
I haven't written in a while, 9 days to be specific and although 9 days on its own isn't a long time- it is however a decent amount of time between writings.
The reason is because at this point I'm just writing the same thing.
Occasionally something new pops up, something worth writing about but now my journals just consist of getting upset over something I evidently have no control over.
For so long I've tried to shift the tide in my direction but everything I do seems to backfire or make no difference at all.
I don't know what to do anymore...
“The definition of 'insanity' is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
If this quote is true then maybe its time that I just stop everything I'm doing.
I've known for a long time that I've been doing more than I should have to to keep my relationship with her going and I've also been okay with that hence why I did it for such a long time. I'm not saying I'm tired of doing that or anything, I wouldn't mind continuing my efforts but the problem is that there's no progress being made. Literally nothing is leaning my way and its been that way since July.
I just don't know what I'm supposed to do and I feel like I might be making it worse.
So I think I'm gonna try to let things just "take its course".
This is scary for me because if I had let things take it's course months ago I have a feeling I'd be completely out of the picture and it is because my desperation for her, and how much I wanna be together that I am still here.
Taking this step means that I'm relinquishing the entirety of what happens between us in her hands. Only she can make it so we can be back together, only she decides whether she stays with me or not, only she decides whether our future will be together or apart and I don't like it but I have literally no influence on anything anymore.
Nothing I say, do, or consider doing will change anything.
The most my efforts have done is keep her and me at a static level if that.
If she wants me, then she'll hold onto me. If she loves me then she'll cherish me.
If she wants a future with me involved, then she'll take the steps towards that so we're ready when the time comes. I don't want my efforts to be the only reason she is still here. I want her to make an effort to keep me as well.
I'm not giving up or anything, she probably wont notice the difference.
The main thing I'm changing here is really just not worrying about what she's doing 24/7. 90% of my mind on a daily basis is about her and mac, if they're talking, what they've been talking about, how far they've gone intimacy wise, etc... So its a mental step for me I guess.
Another thing I think about is the that a couple days ago I asked her if she wanted him or not. Her answer was that she wanted to make her parents happy.
What my mind says to this: She needs to priortize what actually matters so she can make the best decision.
This is about her love life, who she's gonna spend the rest of her life with so her decision should be based on who she see's a happy life with.
Her parents opinion doesn't matter, of course its nice to have the input and can be disappointing if they don't like the person you're with but that's no reason to priortize their opinion over your own.
They aren't the ones spending the rest of their lives with him, she is.
She needs to develop some independent prioritization skills.
Parents often have a probelm with controlling children, its like they want us to relive the life that they wanted for themselves and its so annoying. Its 2 completely different people, 2 completely different generations, and 2 different lives.
I love her so much, and I hope she chooses for herself, who she's happy with.
It'll hurt if its not me but I don't want her to live an unhappy life.
I can provide for her, support her in everything she does, and be a good husband but one thing you can't force on someone is love. If she doesn't love me, then she shouldn't waste her energy on me. Hopefully she does though, I believe she does and I hope she never stops.
I want her to be with who makes her happy, even if it's not me.
If it is me though, I hope she starts working towards that. The longer she waits, the more likely it is that it's never gonna happen. That it'll be too late.