Dear Diary,
I want to write to you, and that is the most important thing on my todo list right now.
First, recently i think i am feeling little positive overall. I am eating healthy, my intermittent fasting is still on. I am controlling my cravings to eat all the time. Doing meditation regularly and working out also more consistently than earlier.
Listening to one blink on blinkist everyday while going to office. Surprisingly, Its good thing that i dont have premium and i am using free version. If i had premium, i would search for and then download 50 different books, but i probably won't listen to any and there would be one more thing on my never ending todolist, to read these blinks. Which i would never be crossing off.
In the free version, it randomly gives one blink for free everyday, so i would listen to whatever is available, surprisingly these are good books and i would probably never pick them up with just their titles.
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One thing i am having difficulty dealing with is that, i dont understand when we should give up on something. Or what i should be doing with my time.
On one side, i know few things i am good at, and i enjoy doing those, like coding, making things, on the other side, there are things which i dont like as much, like managing team, answering clients, hiring people, these are difficult things for me, i dont enjoy them much also, they give me frustrations.
But, what one should do ? Should one pursue difficult things, so one can become better, learn more from hardships. Or one should do things he likes and is good at. I think sometimes i clearly want to chose the things i like doing, but then i feel, i may be getting biased because of my comfort, hardships in life are important, right ? But should we contantly be struggling or there should be an end ?
In similar ways, i am thinking about her too these days. I told myself not to think about it much(that's what i decided in vipassana). But there are few thought which i already have. It keeps happening, on and off, on and off. there would be a period when we would talk and i would feel ecstasy of some sort, and then there will be weeks, and months when i would keep missing her, and she would probably just forget me or something. (I don't know, but she would not text or call) and then we would talk again for a brief period and then the same. When i try to be positive and hopeful, i feel Is it really worth it ? Now i know for sure, She is always going to be like this, she always has been like this. Even though she miss me sometimes, she has never desired me. She may sometimes think about me, but she has never really deeply cared about me as much as i think i do for her.
Sometimes i go extreams and think, i wonder, because i think i am forgetting, how did i fall in love with her. I have a feeling that things were great whenever we were together, but in moments like this, i am forgetting the good things. I cant remember. Now, i dont know if i should continue forgetting and someday reach a point as if nothing every happened. Or try to keep the memories, because even if we never live together, i have a feeling, strong feeling, that whenever we were together, i had the best feeling, and i had love in me. And i should fight to keep that love alive in me.
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Emma, forrets are acting strange sometimes, they are not pooping since mom went. They are eating but not pooping, is their system so efficient, no wastage ? =D
Both have different likings, forrest would touch tomatoes, emma loves tomatoes. Forrest like processed food, emma wont eat if i mixed the processed food. Emma has found a special spot, where she would go and pee everyday, in middle of the way. Same spot everyday.
Their choice of sleeping places are also distinct and very fixed. Forrest behind the door and emma in the room, halfway on the bed =D.
Ohk, Goodnight ❤️❤️❤️