[ENTRY 38..✍]
I'm currently reading a classic romance novel by Edward Payson Roe. I really relate to the heroine at first because she's weak, lackadaisical, sickly, and detached from society. And she likes this handsome guy who seems so beyond her because he mirrors everything she's not. Our profound similarities fueled my fingers to keep turning the pages because having been ill myself lately (and also bearing an affection for someone so out of my reach), I literally saw myself in her. Especially when her love interest thought to himself:
"Poor little thing! She has a hard time of it. With her great black eyes she might be a beauty if she only had health and was like other girls; but as it is, she is so light and pale and limp that I sometimes feel as if I were petting a wraith."
Those words are truly a reminder of how most people here look at me. In some pictures, I might appear normal or even meaty but in person, I am very skinny. The last time I weighed myself, I was only 37kg and I even had my shoes on and my bag then. I know I don't have the healthiest habit there is but ever since I was kid, I've always been thin. This is just how my body is and even when I try to eat as much as I can, the difference is barely noticeable. So either way, people will still look at me as if I have cancer or something and as much as I want to scorn their ignorance for automatically assuming a person is ill or unhealthy just for having a fast metabolism, the fact that I'm aware of my poor lifestyle permits the high possibility that their conjectures are right.
I remember once when I was walking home, already in the vicinity of my neighbourhood, I passed a group of guys and I heard one of them say: "That's my crush. Too bad she's too thin."
I usually don't care what people think of me but his remark that time left quite an effect no matter how little. Apparently, being skinny is looked down upon in my country because I never get this kind of comments from foreign friends. In fact, what I usually get from them are compliments. It's weird how my body is being frowned upon somewhere and completely praised in another.
And Callum.. my gosh. He used to chastise me a lot for not eating enough. He was truly being an asshole about it even when I already told him that even if I eat a lot, it's still so hard for me to gain weight. I once sent him a full body picture of me in a simple summer dress a long time ago and his reply was: "What the hell, you're so thin. You think that's sexy?"
Hang him! Being sexy wasn't even my intention in sending that picture. I guess he doesn't care now because this very thin girl he so upfrontly reprimanded seems to have excited his sensual desires that he now fancies sleeping with me. At some point, when I dreamt that he and I fucked, I actually considered it myself (assuming his girlfriend is out of the picture, of course). But recalling what he had been to me suddenly boils my blood again and in hell I would ever give him the satisfaction of satiating his sinful fantasies.
And there's also the last guy I slept with. He said almost the same thing as the hero did in the book. It was past midnight and we were by the beach seated on a log as we talked and had some drinks. He looked at me rather wistfully, the light of the moon reflecting into his eyes, making his gaze more true and earnest. His words were: "You know, if you gained a little weight, you'd be so much more beautiful.."
If I was the least bit affected with what he said, I didn't show it. You'd think by now I should be used to such comments but sometimes, it still casts a fleeting shadow of dejection over my spirits especially when it comes from someone I like. Not that I really liked that guy, but.. They tell me I'm beautiful but there's always a "but" that follows. It's like they intend to make me smile but only for a little while. I know they're only concerned about my health but.. gosh. Can they at least for once just not bring it up? I know what I look like, okay? I have a mirror. Our set-up was already so romantic and beautiful for cryin' out loud. There was the moon, the ocean, the stars.. Regardless of what he said, I must still acknowledge that it wasn't at all offensive. That guy was a gym instructor so I could see where his concern was coming from. Besides, I'd be lying to say that a scrawny man won't be more attractive if he gained some muscles. It all comes down to personal preferences, I guess. I think the only thing that makes me somehow appear appealing is my shape. Because even though I'm so meagre and light, I'm quite curvy in the desired places that one can call me "slender in figure", if that at all is the connotation of an attractive slimness.
Anyway, the point is, how the leading man in the novel sees the heroine, is exactly how most people here see me. The only guys who don't mind my size at all are the lank ones like myself. That's why I really liked how Chace made me feel because the scumbag has a fast metabolism, too. And to top it all off, he likes skinny girls and small boobs. It is such a delight to my small-chested person when a guy adores tiny breasts because it's still an insecurity of mine, which, from time to time, still manages to bother me. Although, when I calculated his BMI and found out he's normal.. it kind of pissed me off. How could he be normal and I'm not? Grr.
"Oh, what a blind fool I have been! Blind to the wants of my own heart, blind to the truth that a man needs a strong, genial companion, and not a dependent shadow."
Gosh, these lines really hit me deep and sadden me so. The girl is literally speaking about my sorrow. One can show an interest in me but that's it. One can fall in love with me but that's it. I'm not fit for a long-term companionship because I'm weak and useless and dependent and spoiled. No smart man will be stupid enough to settle for someone he has no future with. The only thing I can offer them is my body and devotion and in this world where material things are more sought, who gives a fuck about that? This is the 21st century for crying out loud and women are now expected to be able to stand alone on their own and support themselves, otherwise they're just a worthless piece of burden and utter disappointment. Shameful as it is, to say I wasn't born in the right era is an understatement. If you'd let a man's heart decide and only their heart alone, I could be their desired lover. I could be their "dream girl." But if they're going to be smart, and I strongly urge them to be so, then they mustn't waste their time trying to turn me into their ideal woman because my parents can't even turn me into their ideal daughter.
Back to the book.
Now this is where the story goes fruit loops and I just completely stop relating.
Because of the heroine's resolution to make the guy fall in love with her the way she is madly with him, in the span of two and a half years, she makes a dramatic change. And then she just becomes so non-relatable because she's now awfully PERFECT. By that, I mean she's transformed into a total Mary Sue: the most annoying female protagonist to have ever been given birth to in the world of literature because there's absolutely NOT one flaw in her character anymore. It's seriously disappointing. I thought silly personas like this only exist in fanfictions. Honestly, reading more of this shit makes me gag and nauseous and the only reason I still keep going is because I'm rooting for the female antagonist. Also because, I've already read too much to abandon it and I'm trying to tick off as many books as I can before the year ends. I don't know if this harsh criticism springs from being a girl myself and my rebuke is just out of pure feminine spite.. Because had she been a guy, I'm not sure how I would feel about it. But if I were to judge the book in an objective lense, hmm...
Oh, gosh. After much consideration, it's still honestly garbage. Truly. Even if the heroine had been a guy, I would still root for his rival. Bah! Forget objectiveness, I still don't know how to be a fair and unbiased critic. So I'm just gonna go ahead with my subjective opinion: the events don't thrill me one bit and I'm not attached to any of the characters. Although the language is lovely (I am a sucker for old-fashioned English), the excessive exchanges of witty remarks has become so trite that if I'd read one more of it, my eyes would permanently remain at the back of my head from rolling them so much. And if this had been an anime show, the heroine is what we'd call "ridiculously overpowered". But I don't know, I still can't rule out the possibility that my judgment is clouded by my gender. Do guys like a Mary Sue character? Maybe they'd find this book brilliant or I don't know. Perhaps they'd be charmed by the heroine because she seems to be every man's "dream girl". I mean, there's nothing wrong with her character being perfect. If she existed and I happened to be her friend, I would for sure have a crush on her. What gets on my nerves, I guess, is how the author made almost every character in the book seems to be SO AMAZED by her simple acts of kindness and indifference to attention as if every woman in America in the 1800's are mean and shallow and she's this one exception who shines among most because no one could ever surpass her tenderness, talents, intelligence and beauty—that her existence alone is an unnatural phenomena. Perhaps I'm exaggerating but that's exactly what the writer was trying to imply. Every word that comes out of the heroine's mouth, every move her body makes, every melody that escapes her lips are ethereal and divine and the author never wasted pointing that out every goddamn time. That's why I like the female antagonist because she's the only character there who expresses my disgusted sentiments.
[Fast forward...]
So I finally finished the novel. (Damn, 500 pages of internal agony and brain stroke. Why do I like punishing myself?) Of course she got the guy. It's a no-brainer. I suddenly prefer Little Women's ending now. I don't think I could ever go through the same extreme measures of making a drastic change to myself like the heroine did in the book just to woo a man. First off, I'm absolutely lazy and will never have that equal amount of motivation and energy. Or maybe because I've never been in love that much.. If that's what it would take for me to change, though, then by Jove.. Bring it on, Cupid! Strike me with your dart at the deepest core of my heart!
LOL.
Anyway, I guess it's apparent that I didn't really enjoy the book. It's just one of those typical romantic novels with a happy ending where girl likes boy, boy likes someone else, girl becomes pretty, and then boy falls in love. Bah, I'm sure you're familiar with the "different plot, same old story" garbage. Sorry. I feel like I'm being so mean to the author. My apologies, Mr. Roe. I hope you're still resting in peace. Your novel has a good start but the only exciting part it gave me was when I finally finished it so I could start another literary piece. (Says she with utmost politeness.)
Hehe. Tata ✌
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